Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

kobayashim — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 05:26:37 GMT

Hi,

I want to say, to everyone who has any advice, thank you so much. I really, really appreciate it.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He is 20 (21 in June) and I am 19 (20 in October). While I am fully independent of my parents (have my own place, pay for everything, etc) he lives with his parents because they have offered to support him while he is in school, which I am 100% ok with. Both of his parents are a little restrictive of him, especially his mother. She only allows him to spend 1-2 nights a week at my place...if he starts spending too much time with me, she gets upset and ends up yelling at him...while he's fully capable of moving out, I know he doesn't want to dissapoint his parents, who have such high expectations for him.

His parents and I don't have any problems, and from what he tells me, they like me as much as any parent can like their first born son's (golden child haha) girlfriend. They invite me out to dinner, and I've cooked dinner for them countless times. We are constantly giving gifts and seeing eachother, so whenever she gets upset at him, I feel a little hurt because I know I'm part of the problem.

We plan on getting engaged after he receives his BA (in two years) and would like to get married after he has his MBA and I have my BA (another 2-3 years after the engagement). I would definitely say we're a level-headed couple, both of us don't want to rush things, instead we'd like to wait so that when we *do* get married, we'll be able to buy a house right away...not to mention afford our wedding without too much debt :)

So....heres the problem...recently (earlier this evening) his mom called him while he was at my place and started screaming at him to come home. He left asap and I didn't hear from him until a few hours ago. Suddenly hes saying that his parents want him out, and that he wants to join the army, and "if I join the army would you still stay with me?" (he knows I really don't want him to enlist)....now I'm starting to freak out a little...because hes at his parent's house, he doesn't feel comfortable calling me, and when hes upset he doesn't like texting/talking until hes had time to cool down and collect himself and his thoughts...so, he won't fully explain the situation. So far hes told me that his parents want him to move out. I asked if it was because of me, that maybe they just got fed up with him spending too much time with me. He said that wasn't it, that there were "many reasons" although he didn't elaborate as to what those reasons are. I asked him how enlisting figured into all this, and he just said "it just does"...although I told that staying in school would be the more beneficial choice, which he agreed with....I feel completely at a loss. Just this morning we saw his parents, and they seemed to be fine! His mom said hi, we brought our kitten over to their place and stayed for an hour or two before heading back home to study and do hw. I just feel like withing the space of a few hours, everything is upside-down...I know that if he were to move out of his parent's place we would do just fine together, and I really don't want him to enlist. I don't know what I should say, because fankly I'm a little tired of his mom's antics. Its like things can never be okay for her...shes always upset about something! I want whats best for him...should I say "lets break up until you have your BA and can support yourself really well so that we can move in together and you can leave your god-awful mom"? Any advice, opinions, anything at all will help...I just feel so overwhelmed and at a loss....

Thanks,

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

Vaz1 — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 06:06:25 GMT

I'm going to give you my honest opinion.Your man is a momma's boy.His parents(or at least his mother)really don't like you.They're nice to your face but behind your back they talk & think badly of you.Your bf knows this and keeps it to himself.His mother feels noone is good enough for her son.This is what is getting in the way of your relationship.He's probably never going to tell you this because he wants you to be on good terms with his parents.He's not going to move in with you because his parents probably wouldn't pay for his education and would disown him.They tolerate your relationship but don't approve of it.Let's be realistic,if you break up chances are very slim you will get back together in a few years.One of you will end up finding someone else(probably him)If he decides to enlist in the army,there is nothing you can do about it.You will never win over his mother.He's too much of a momma's boy.Unless you want to continue going through this and always being second(his mother will always be first)you should leave him and find a real man who will put you first.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

DB Lady — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 20:29:15 GMT

Hi,

I do think that his parents are just after his welfare. They want him to finish college and be a professional man and would be able to support a family. I'm sorry to say that I think you are rushing things. If I were you, I would not mix love affairs with studies. Nowadays, it's very important to have a profession to be able to survive. If you 2 will move in together, you may get pregnant, have children, then both of your ambition and future will go down the drain. You will be stuck with taking care of children. How will you support them? Will you be one of the people who will get freebies from the government?

I'm not dictating with what you'll do with your life but I think you should try to finish college first, be a professional woman, get a good paying job and men will be more attracted to you because you have something to offer to a relationship. I have seen many women regret because they were blinded with love and lust. They did not think and use their brains, instead they used purely their emotions.

I'm advising you like a daughter. I'd also tell my daughter if I had one.

You take care and be wise with your decisions.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

Jennifer — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:20:11 GMT

Personally, you are both so young.......If I were your age I would strictly focus on my future without the interference of boyfriends, in-laws or kids..The parents probably just want to ensure that their son stays single without kids until he is independent...He needs to finish school or complete some sort of educational program so he will be able to support himself one day....You need to concentrate more on yourself and not worry over him or his parents. If it is meant to be then it will.......don't stress any of them. It sounds as though your head is on right so stay in that direction....Do not let anyone side track your thoughts or goals. May God Bless.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

DB Lady — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:32:14 GMT

Hi Jennifer,

2 thumbs up to you. How are you? I hope you're doing fine. Missed reading your responses. Thanks for answering.

DB Lady

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

Vaz1 — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:38:48 GMT

You people are getting off topic and looking way too far in the future.You're not even answering her question.More like tip toeing around it and getting ahead of yourselves.This is an issue she is dealing with right now and is beyond his parents wanting the best for him.Most 20 year old guys aren't still getting scolded by their mothers.She practically grounds him for seeing his girlfriend.The parents don't like her,let's face it.And he is a momma's boy and wants to please his mother way too much.This goes way beyond the typical mother-son relationship.Not saying he's doin' his mother but will do anything to please her and is trying to please his gf at the same time and is not working out because mommy is against the relationship.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

Jennifer — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:47:59 GMT

This is about the first time I have been on Yedda since christmas....the election just really sent me into a state of disgust...I got to where I didn't even want to talk about Obama anymore.....lol...I still see their are no changes.....Well, I hope our young friend here makes the right decision and moves forward in her life without a boyfriend.....tooo much time for all that later.....And she will probably have better options later anyways.....not someone who has to have his parents instruct his way...he should be making these decisions himself. xoxoxoxoxo Hope your weather is good...ours is so confusing

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

DB Lady — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:50:04 GMT

Hi Vaz1,

You are entitled to your own opinion as we are entitled to ours. We have a difference in our advice based on our previous experiences. I respect your opinion and I think you should respect mine.

Take care.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

Vaz1 — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:52:31 GMT

I do respect your opinion.I just feel the answers have nothing to do with the question.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

DB Lady — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:53:34 GMT

Jennifer,

I feel the same way as you do about the present government. I try to ignore what's going on. This is going to be a long 4 years.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

DB Lady — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:56:35 GMT

Vaz1,

Obviously, you haven't been here on Yedda long enough to realize that people have different viewpoints. It's up to the person who posted the question to choose who to listen to or who to ignore. I don't lose anything if she does not take my advice. At least I tried to be of help.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

Donna aka Maya — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 12:30:23 GMT

I am just going to answer this with an I remember when story. I went to college and lived in dorms after high school. Got pregnant next month. Changed the path of my life and made the path much more difficult to travel. Most of all when I look back, I see myself as being so young and I see myself as being but a child with a child. At the time, I thought I was so old and knew it all. The road is long and you and your boyfriend are only at the beginning of it. Time takes time.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

morethan1 — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:40:26 GMT

Hi it sounds like there are a lot of things possibly at play here and the first thing to remember is Rome was not built in a day. Relationships that survive the test of time require one thing in order to do so: Time! It’s important to consider the immortal Clint Eastwood adage…”A man has got to know his limitations” Believe it or not, I can say as a man that no one statement could be truer. Men are ultimately judged on one thing alone. That is their ability to do the things that they say they will do. With a possibly domineering and doting mother on one side of the equation, an all too ‘reasonable’ girlfriend on the other side of the equation, both equally sure they know what’s best for him and truly understand him your boyfriend is in what might be an enviable situation to some and a nightmare to others. Here are some things to be more aware of to look for answers. Economics at your boyfriend’s home; are his parents suddenly feeling the squeeze of the economic downturn. Has something happened with their employment and or finances that are too embarrassing for them to divulge to you or maybe even him that is causing them to reconsider supporting him through college? Next video games, most young people under 30 have practically been raised virtually through a collection of computer games. Is your boyfriend a gamer? Is he a military gamer? You know the type, the guy with the headphones wired in with a bunch of other people coordinating some mock military assault in some video war game? Is the game affecting his grades and he has hidden it from you and not his parents? Is he possibly so addicted to the game that he uses his parents and school as an excuse not to spend more time with you? Is he so enamored with glorified simulated battle and war that he is now imagining it attractive to upgrade to the real life version in the U.S. Military? Are his parents upset with him regarding gaming, or his views on war or politics to the point that they are miffed at him and not necessarily you but by extension that their efforts to regulate and discipline him to recognize his own limitations is spilling over to you? Finally could it just be in part you are also a harpy? Look at your over all attitude towards your boyfriend and how you interact with him. Are you constantly on him about what is wrong and right and what he should be doing? Are you prone to emotional outbursts if the encounters don’t end up going to the places you want to, doing the things you want to, talking about the things you want to and having intimate relations only when and how you want too? Was he in part originally attracted to you because you have many qualities like his domineering mother and part of his challenge with the both of you is how he can assert dominance over you or at least seek independence from you? I hate to see this. Clearly when a child has not run away in desperation to join the circus by the time they are 12 or 13 they are just being too molly coddled!

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

AngelsAware — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:16:50 GMT

Good answers here in every way. Although, I do see somewhat differences in them. I may sound a bit harsh or to forward in my answer and I probably don't even need to answer this question because I may seem a little opinionated. So, hon you have a right to what advice you take here. But, I feel I must answer in the way I see it. You were asking help for a question that started as "BOYFRIEND'S MOM CAUSING PROBLEMS AGAIN" am I right? To me this seems to be your first concern. That is a real concern to have, believe me. I can honestly say that I believe that the Mother will be a real problem whether or not you stay together. It's not really a question whether or not you or him should receive your BA and MBA first before living together or marriage, but it sounds like you are so confused about the relationship your boyfriend and his mother have and where you end up in it. I hate to sound like I am questioning your questions but by what you have described it is a very complicated kind of a relationship to begin with and I wouldn't waste my time trying to please a boyfriend whose mother is trying to control her son. Take care of YOU first. You don't have to take my advice at all, but I would let this guy go before he wrecks his or your future. Sounds like he wants even YOU to help him make his decisions. Like a second Mom?? I may be wrong, but it seems he has no responsibility or real freedom of choices and thats what he needs, so he rebells in saying he wants to enlist?? Don't you see how confused he is right now? He probably only has you to feel "connected" to anything. A controlling Mom can bring so much trouble in a life. As a Mom of a son, I have never tried to control my own son's life and have always allowed him to make his own decisions.They may or may not been right choices but, I wasn't blamed because of the bad ones he made. The reason I never tried to control him is because I didn't want him to end up like myself. I am saying this is because I have had alot of problems myself. I have a Mom who is controlling like your boyfriends Mom is, and its no fun, believe me. He will became resentful of her if she doesn't back off and it could cause trouble for the rest of his life. My controlling Mom has caused me lots of anguish and many years of counseling. I am getting better but it has taken me years! So, whether or not you are male or female it can cause alot of havoc in your life. I would please consider finishing college and find a boyfriend who is stable and independent of his Mom. Because if a guy can respect his Mom and she doesn't try to control him, he will eventually respect the girl he is with and someday will marry. He won't have the excess baggage with him when he marrys. You don't want to be with a Momma's boy, trust me!! By the way, I dated a Momma's boy too. Good luck sweetheart! I feel for you. Really, try and take care of your own self first. Don't get caught up in trying to help a bf who evidently unstable and is controlled by his Mom. You are smarter than that.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

kobayashim — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 22:50:27 GMT

Hey...

To answer some of the questions, no, he is not a "military gamer" or a co-op gamer. I don't think I could date someone who was *that* obbssed with his games. Also, his grades are fine, better than when we first started dating, and hes already been accepted into an undergrad college and will be getting two AAs at the end of this semester (June).

Also, someone mentioned having children. As much as I'd love to have children right now, I know thats not a possibility. Furthermore, living together has nothing to do with starting a family...and, if I did get pregnant while doing my undergrad studies, I would just have an abortion. I know not everyone supports this choice, but, that is the choice that I would make. And, I think its great to be feminist and say "if you are independent and are a career woman men will find you more attractive" but, thats not what my plans are. I plan on getting my MBA in marketing, working for a few years, then becoming a housewife. Why? Because thats my choice and I would rather be a housewife than a career woman.

But, as Vaz1 mentioned, thats neither here nor there. My boyfriend supports my wanting to become a housewife and take care of all the domestic aspects of our relationship. He also supports my wanting to go to school first. He supports and agrees with my decision to have an abortion (if I should ever become pregnant) and supports my choice to use birth control. But none of those things have anything to do with his mother.

We've decided to have a "low key" relationship so that his mother isn't constantly on his back, as this final semester is very important for him. Also, we've decided that once he receives his AAs we will find a place together and he will begin his undergrad studies and I will continue at the community college where we are both currently at. Furthermore, to help support us he is going to take a break from summer studies and work a second job and I've decided to sell my late father's antique bass....the extra 15,000 will definitely help us, as well as be a good start towards our house and furture car savings.

So....thank you to everyone who was supportive...AngelsAware, I'm really grateful you posted here. Although, you mentioned finding a boyfriend who is independent of their mother...everyone has problems, and I think that when it all comes down to it he is an incredible man. Neither of us drink, party, or smoke, and both of us are extremely goal oriented. We've already started a small savings together to buy a prius, as well as tiny one so that in ~5 years we can have a down payment on a house. I think his willingness to have a joint account and to save for our future together speaks volumes.

Many of you say that he is a momma's boy because hes trying to keep his parents happy, as well as keeping me happy. As frustrating as it is, I'd rather he try to assuage his parents, than to have an attitude like "who cares what they think/say". The fact that he is so family oriented, and that he considers what his parents are saying (even if he doesn't agree with it) means a lot to me. We've weathered so much already, I'm sure we can get through this just fine.

I'd still appreciate any other comments/advice...after all, hes still living with them :)

Thanks,

m kobayashi

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

AngelsAware — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 05:58:36 GMT

Kobayashi, It sounds like you know what you want and you have made that point very clear. I admire you. Keep going the way you are planning your future together and I think all will work out like you want it to. I was only concerned that you were upset about his Mom causing problems. It sounded like he was being controlled by his Mom. I was just giving my advice about how a controlling Mom can cause big problems in your relationship. But, now you say that he is respectable of his parents wishes and you are too. That was something that I didn't see in your first post. I do agree that it shows alot of character of him to respect his parents and not have a bad attitude towards them. So, I really don't have anything else to add about your question. You seem to know what you want and so, I say, go for it! It shouldn't matter what we think right?

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

kobayashim — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 07:48:46 GMT

Angels, Your opinions don't have to matter, but, because I'm here asking for them, they do :) I was so upset when I first posted my question - it had all happened that day - but now I've had some time to think things over. I find its always best to take some time to calm down and weigh your options before making any decisions. I'm also so glad that I found Yedda! Its definitely helped me evaluate my goals by hearing some outside perspectives (whether I agree with them or not). Also...I think a *lot* of women have mother in law problems, so....I guess I shouldn't feel too upset :p Thanks! m kobayashi

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

AngelsAware — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 08:15:03 GMT

Oops, my niece's nick (AprilJ) was online and I posted a message on her's instead of mine, but anyway, I wanted to say, "Your very welcome" , I understand how being in the "heat of the moment can have your emotions in an upheaval at times" I have been there to many times. Ha, ha! So, take care and good luck to you and your boyfriend. If you go with the attitudes you both have at this time then you will have a very successful future together.

RE: Boyfriend's Mom Causing Problems AGAIN

LilRobin — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:13:16 GMT

Well finally an answer that answers the question. I think that you hit the nail on the head, & I hope that she follows your awesome advice!!