Child Abuse by Grandfather

John — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 22:41:48 GMT

Today my wife told me that our 26 year old daughter, who has had severe emotional problems for years, was abused as a six year old child by my father. I have been stupidly oblivious. My daughter asked her mother to never tell me about it because she didn't want me to hate my father. My wife held it in for 2 years. I am extremely disappointed in my father (now deceased). I now have no use for his memory. I want to help my daughter in any way that I can. She and I have a wonderful and trusting relationship. She has however, had trust problems with other men including teachers and boyfriends. Would it be helpful or hurtful for me to bring up to her that I now know about it? If helpful, do you have any recommendations regarding the best approach that Ishould take?

RE: Child Abuse by Grandfather

Sparky's Mom — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:41:55 GMT

John, I think you should tell your daughter that you know everything. Tell her that you are o.k. with knowing. Tell her you love her and always will. Also ask her about counselling for her trust issues with men. Go to family counselling with her, and then let her have her own private counselling sessions. I am sure it will be a big relief knowing she does not have to hide anything from you anymore. I wish you both the best.

Anna Sparky's Mom

RE: Child Abuse by Grandfather

ColDeST wiNTer — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:20:31 GMT

Tell her John. If she trusts you already, there is no reason why she wouldn't trust you with knowing what he did. I would say you should brace yourself for a very emotional experience, because it's a very dark and delicate topic. With this being such a touchy topic, you shouldn't adress it harshly. Maybe you could just walk up and hug her. She'll wonder why you are doing it, and may even ask you. This is when you should tell her that you are aware of the situation. She may be cold towards men for a long time, but eventually she'll realize she has to move on with life. Good luck John.

RE: Child Abuse by Grandfather

Dangerblonde — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:31:46 GMT

Telling her in a way which she would experience as "being blindsided" as well as betrayed by her mother, would almost certainly light a fuse to her trust issues, her tendency to "act out" what has not been directly addressed, but a long held "family secret." If she was sexually abused, it is probable that other females, your sisters, other daughters, neices, and the children of close family friends were also abused. I agree with the responses above. And, it is very important to provide some safety around your daughter, and protect her relationship with her mother whom she "trusted" though unconsciously I think wanted her to tell you. She acting out her problems in self-defeating and self-sabotaging ways because she is angriest at her mother and you. However unreasonable this may be, you are the targets, and she is making sure that, perhaps for a lifetime if unaddressed, you will respond to her needs to be protected, now from her poor judgement, impulse control, and inability to address the issue directly. Please, find a social worker who has long and successful experience in specializing in child and adult sexual abuse cases. You and your wife make an appointment with her. The Social Worker will take you from there. Do not attempt to do approach this without professional assistance starting with you and your wife. I suggest the social work profession as I have found it to be the most comprehensive in seeing the issue as a whole, treating the problem in its fuller context, versus, treating in your daughter in isolation and reinforcing her tendencies to act out of the victim role. There are other professionals who would do a great job; I am speaking of a profession that as a matter of approach believes in addressing sexual abuse in the context of the whole family because it affects at least your whole family, if not some extended family and perhaps others. Perpetrators rarely take advantage of one child; this is a pathological problem and a lifelong one without treatment, even sometimes with treatment. It is unlikely there are not other girls, now women, who have family secrets they have been keeping of their own. Additionally, both you and your wife have fall out from the abuse of your daughter. You, specifically do not know what to do about your feelings toward your father and it is important you resolve this anger over an event brought to you after his death. Secrets and unresolved feelings have a way of incidiously expressing their existence in debilitating and destructive ways when not allowed to be addressed directly. Additionally, how do you feel about your wife first feeling she must choose loyalty to your daughter, later choosing to tell you? You are your daughter's parent, and it was not up to your wife to make this decision for you or for her daughter. She put herself between you and your daughter, suggesting she also has some feelings toward you, your father, and herself, as well as her ambivalence in keeping her word to your daughter. The children of mothers who have been sexually abused often have a history of having been sexually abused as well, though not always. What will be the "ripple" effects on those who he also abused if this is no longer a family secret? I do not want to overwhelm you; I do want to advise you of the very tangled web, a life changing and potentially destructive issue to you and your family without appropriate and effective guidance and treatment of your daughter, and the members of your family. If you have other children, including males, it is likely they have been abused or know of the abuse, creating internal conflict, guilt, anger, and other feelings which will serve as obstacles to them if not addressed. First thing, as I said, research and find a proven competent professional in this area of expertise, no generic therapist. Don't be afraid to ask their level of experience and comfort in treating your daughter, and your family. Once someone is found, you and your wife get the ball rolling by going in and explaining the situation. After this, your therapist will do the best job in helping you. Good luck, and I am sorry for the distress I know you and your family must feel. Feel free to ask for any follow up, or help in finding the most appropriate professional.

RE: Child Abuse by Grandfather

Wolfgirl — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 07:25:28 GMT

John,

I think you should forgive yourself first, mostly about not doing anything about what you did not know about. Okay?

Tell your daughter that you always wondered what was wrong, what you missed, that you always thought that you and she had a trusting relationship but she actually had one over on you and your spouse...she did not trust enough to tell either of you ...but this was for her own reasons...I am thinking that Gramps told her that he was sorry but if she told it would kill him, or kill you ...or that Gramps would have no one and all this would be her fault.

Tell her that you are so angry that he pulled dirty secret over on all of you, he cheated you because he hid his real self from you, that you though that he was someone when he was someone else, that what he did was evil , he is the adult , he knew better, she needs to know that you do not trust that man either....think back...when did your father cheat you? Did he steal from you ...your money ..your toys...your time...your mother's time ..did he cheat on your mom and steal her dream ...your security ...did he touch you ...your sister?? ask her???? men that do this have spent energy thinking about it ...tell her what bad things he did to you ...you apparently let it all be forgiven because it is his burden to bear not yours or hers ...of course tell her how sorry and angry you are that he did this to his lil girl..... empathize with her ...search out the memories that impacted her emotions ...desensitize them with her by revisiting them...tell her what you might have done if you knew ... the funeral ...show her in the Bible where it tells what happens to the dead ...they sleep in the ground until the last day ..he can't harm her anymore.....she was in shock at about age six, and I imagine that parts of her are still stuck there ...ask her to tell you every detail of what happened, tell her that you feel a failure as a parent who wanted to protect his little girl, and tell her that you feel cheated in not sharing the things that she feels are disgusting things ...that he is disgusting that she is an innocent little girl...she hated what happened and becuz she had to carry the secret , she carried the responsibilty of the incident and everyone's potential feelings around it... , that you need to go thru that experience with her becuz you want to share the good and the bad...that you love your child far more than a parent and she will also someday, the more often that she brings the secret into the light of day the less it will rule over her, she will be ruling over it when the responsibility is placed where it should be placed...ask her to write about it and put every gruesome horrible feeling and detail in there ..her fears too ...then maybe you could take her and throw all that stuff out on the grave (shredded or burn it there ) symbolically leaving the fallout where it should be on the diude who did it not on the victim.

Talk about other cases that you read about ...let her know that she is not alone ...she is not special that this happened only to her (But yes she is especially special to you , her parents) ...but that since this happened to her as woith any life changing ordeal, she has more experience above her peers , she has more responsibility than the average Joe because of her experience..she maybe called to help others thru her own experience and tell her that you had better never hear that she failed to talk to her children so bluntly as you forgot to speak to her...and tell her to feel free to suspect you someday ...and to question her children (because she will - do not take it personally!) ...that you demand that she do a better job than you did...this gives her freedom to be free with you....tell her she would not have gotten away with so much as a child if you would have known...it is not an excuse to behave emotionally out of control with other problems but now you can see and understand ..and love her even more. Tell her that you are so honored to be talking with her and you are so privledged to be her father. Tell her there are no words to describe your feelings not about your father but for her handling of this matter...tell her to come cry as your darling little six year old anytime ...tell her she owes you several thousand tears (you won't get too many afer this talk so do not worry ...she just wants you to understand what she suffered alone , she wants to know that you will protect that 6 year old fiercly and she probably fantisized about you protecting her had you known ...that you are protecting her - with knowing. Tell her you love her and always will. Treat her with the concern you would a young child for awhile..let her push you away ...let her say hey I'm a big girl. Whats with the questions... whatever...just don't take the emotions personally ...give her the protection she so longed for ...she can push you away not blame you or resent you ..... then let the real relationship begin to grow !!!!

RE: Child Abuse by Grandfather

bcn — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:02:23 GMT

You should definately tell her, because she is probably handling this alone. Counseling is a definite reccomendation. Someone who handles abuse cases. She probably deep down inside holds you somewhere responsible too, and is feeling guilty.

RE: Child Abuse by Grandfather

kristine kirkwood — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:13:39 GMT

hey John,

i personally would tell your daughter that you know. For that is because you could help her get help if she needs it, you can give her advice.

The best way to approach her would be hunny i need to talk to you about something.