Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:37:04 GMT

I'm new to this site, and I'm a bit leery to ask this, because I am so down that I don't want a list of smartass comments in return, so please remember that when replying. I'm at the end of my rope. I'll try to sum it up, but it's a tad complicated, so sorry for the long posting in advance. My family does not put the "fun" in "dysfunctional", and I am trying so hard to deal with all of this. My 2 sisters have not spoken to me since July of 2004 but won't tell me what I have done wrong or why they're mad at me. I have tried to send letters via snail mail and email ~ I get no response via email & my letters are sent back "RETURN TO SENDER" without being opened. I've tried to call and get hung up on as soon as they hear my voice. They both live out of town and have basically blackmailed my parents since they stopped speaking to me regarding Xmas since this whole mess started. Since my parents only see them once or twice a year, it puts them in a terrible position. They say that if I come to Xmas, they will cancel their plane tix and my parents won't see their grandkids. Therefore, when they are in town for 8-10 days during Xmas, I am "banned" from going to my Mom and Dad's house. I have asked my parents to intercede on my behalf. They have said they don't know what to do about it, but it's obvious what their choice is when I am told I am "banned" from any holidays they choose to fly in for. My Aunt died and when they were here for the wake (Mon) and funeral (Tues), neither would look at me or speak to me. I tried to speak to them and they just walked away. I honestly just wanted to give each of them a hug since I have not seen them in almost 5 years and hoped and prayed that we could talk and get all of this out. Guess I can hope all I want, but it ain't happenin. Everyone keeps saying things like "well, at least you tried" or "it's their problem....you can't do anything more" ~ and frankly, I feel like I'm going insane. I don't want this to be the "norm" for our family. I miss spending holidays with everyone. I usually spend Xmas Day depressed and sobbing because I feel like I'm incredibly worthless. Yeah, I have tried everything and yeah, everyone says "it's on them" or "it's their issue" but to be completely honest, I'm about to lose my mind. If anyone has any advice aside from what I keep hearing over and over again (the quotes listed above) on how to keep my sanity, I would appreciate it. Especially after losing my Aunt, it makes me incredibly sad to think about how horrific it would be if something happened to any of us (hell, one of us could walk out into the street and get hit by a bus and be gone in an instant) with this stuff unresolved ~ and unfinished business drives me nuts. I honestly think that if I died tomorrow, they wouldn't even bother to show up. OR...if they did....it might be just to do a dance of joy on my casket b/c they're overjoyed to be rid of me. What would you do if family member(s) quit talking to you, but when you asked, they refused to tell you what you've done wrong, so you are not even able to apologize and make amends? Please be kind with your replies....I'm sitting here typing this thru tears and I'd appreciate real comments only. I'm not throwing a pity party for myself ~ I am just incredibly hurt and sad and am looking for some advice and perhaps a few friends that may be dealing with depression and know what it's like. Thanks.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Donna aka Maya — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:58:41 GMT

Good morning and welcome to Yedda. I have been up all night and exhausted. I put your question on watch as it is long and I am tired. Your topic is depression and I can help with that so I will be back when I wake up. For now I will send it to some good contacts.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 10:09:56 GMT

Thank you and my apologies for being so long winded..... *smiles*

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Asha — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 11:45:14 GMT

Hi arl0869. I'm trying to put myself in your place. Wow. You are in a complicated situation aren't you. I don't know how assertive you are, but I would barge right into my sisters lives and make myself completely unavoidable. Be a complete pest.. writing and calling every day. You need to make them realize that you want answers and you want them now. I think they at least owe you that much, and you know it too. I know that all this rejection is hard on you, and it doesn't make sense, but you have to trust God to give you strength to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. There is a reason for all of this... and one day you will understand.

I hope you get a lot of helpful answers and support here. Take care.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Billy Bob Big Block Chevy Lugnut O`Dell — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:58:59 GMT

Hello Arl, Around 15 years ago, my mothers sisters daughter was getting married. Due to serious health problems, my mom and dad were unable to make the trip from Florida to New Jersey for the wedding. They did send a letter of apology and a very generous cash wedding gift. At this point, my mothers sister stopped talking to her and never told her why. It took one of my mothers other sisters to tell her that her sister felt that it was unforgivable that my parents didn`t make the wedding. My mothers sister made it clear to the rest of the family that she wanted nothing to do with my mother anymore and that she would not even accept an apology. Apology?....for what? My parents did nothing wrong! This just goes to show you how a complete nut thinks. If you did nothing wrong, then you are in the same type of situation. My mom felt very bad over this for many years and she even felt guilty. I told her the same things that you have been told....you did nothing wrong...it`s their problem, not yours, etc. I know that you dont want that as an answer, but there is really nothing other than that to be said. You have tried your best to make contact with them with no results....what else could you be expected to do? Surely your sisters must have told your parents what the problem is....what do they have to say about it? I DO feel that your parents are wrong for supporting your sisters and excluding you from holidays, etc. They should tell your sisters that they are acting foolish....that Christmas is for families, and if they dont want to come because of this nonsence, then so be it! I`m sorry that I dont have a solution for you, but if you dont know the reason that your sisters are behaving this way, there is not much that you can do to make it right, not to mention that it`s very childish of your sisters to be behaving this way and not have the decency to even tell you why. Please dont be beating yourself up over this....it`s not worth it. Best wishes to you, and I hope that you can find some peace concerning this situation.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Irby101 — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:14:15 GMT

First of all, I would like to say, sorry for "their" loss because it seems like you are a sincere loving person. However, it's obvious that, in their eyes, you've done something that they feel is unforgivable and only you guys know what it is. But guess what...GOD forgives all. The Bible says "Draw close to God and He will draw close to you." My advice is to just let go and let God. It seems that you've tried everything and nothing is working, so move over to the passengers seat and let God do the rest. He knows your heart, He knows your pain, now let Him do the rest. Say this affirmation over and over until you feel it and believe it and TRUST ME it works (I'm now over my depression because of it). The affirmation is: I now claim the law of forgiveness, I forgive and I am forgiven. And another one that works for me is "Thy will be done this day, for this is a day of completion. I give thanks for this perfect day, miracle shall follow miracle and wonders shall never cease." Try this everyday and you will see. Remember Let Go and Let God!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:20:07 GMT

Thank you so much for your responses ~ I keep praying and hoping for something to change, but I haven't had any luck. I hate sounding like "Debbie Downer", but this has really been bothering me and I thought it might help to ask people who are completely removed from the situation that can give me an opinion without any emotions, etc. involved. I appreciate the fact that you all cared enough to take the time to reply...I TRULY DO. It really means a lot to me...cuz lately I have been feeling like nobody really cares much about me or my feelings and have been feeling pretty worthless and incredibly sad. *hugssss to all* !!!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Billy Bob Big Block Chevy Lugnut O`Dell — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:11:20 GMT

Arl...dont feel as if nobody cares or that you are worthless....we know thats simply not so. I seen the same situation eat at my mother for years. Her sister recently passed away, and now it eats at her that maybe she should have done more to make things right with her sister. I tell her that she did nothing to feel guilty about. Dont let it eat at you for the rest of your life because it will if you let it. Be happy Arl, and if you ever need somebody to unload on, feel free to contact me....I care!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jkgrandma — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:11:47 GMT

I am sorry you are going through such a terrible time.

But if your sisters are hell-bent on acting this way, there is little you can do about it. Unless and until your sisters are ready to act like adults and talk to you about the issue, you will have to learn to let it go and write them out of your life.

Here I will say that if you absolutely MUST get a letter to each sister, I think there's a way to do it via snail mail.

What you do is write each sister a letter and put it in an envelope; but don't address it. Then you mail the letter to a friend in another state; providing said friend with the mailing address of each sister on a separate piece of paper.

Your friend addresses and mails the letters for you, so your sisters WILL receive them and WILL open them because they will not recognize the handwriting and/or the postmark. They probably won't READ the letters, but they'll at least GET them.

Now, back to the problem at hand. Your best shot at addressing it is to speak to your parents. In my opinion, what your parents are doing is unconscionable!

Here's what I want you to do about it. When the next big holiday rolls around (one your sisters normally attend) I want you to calmly advise your parents that you plan to attend and it is up to your sisters to choose whether or not they will do likewise. Then do whatever you have to do to make that happen! (Be advised, it will be VERY difficult.)

In the meantime, you are going to have to work on your parents. As Asha suggested you do to your sisters, you should do everything in your power to make your parents understand what they have done.

If you live close by your parents, visit them as much as possible. If not, stay in contact with them as often as you can. Call and/or write every week. In the initial days of doing this, refer to your sisters and the family feud as little as possible (this is sneaky and it's not right, but they have not done right by you either; and it's now time to fight back).

Once your relationship with your parents has strengthened somewhat, begin alluding to the problem your sisters are causing. Keep it fairly general, but just insert the topic gradually into every few conversations and mention how much it hurts you and harms the rest of the family by association.

Eventually, you will have worked up to being able to talk about it in full. It is at that point that you may be able to prod your parents into admitting that they have turned the decision-making process over to your sisters and they've made a serious mistake. If they admit their mistake but still say they don't know what to do about it, tell them you have an idea and ask for their support - no questions asked, no involvement on their parts. If they agree (as I hope they will) then you just start showing up to the family functions and let your sisters deal with it.

I do want to caution you, however. Even if this should work, your sisters will most likely NOT be adult enough to treat you with the respect you deserve. (If they were, you wouldn't be in this boat to begin with.) You will find that you will still feel terrible. You may even wish you hadn't bothered. You will have to suck it up and keep going as well as keep your despair to yourself so your sisters won't know how much they've gotten to you (this will be the hardest part), because otherwise they will just ramp it up and make it intolerable in the hopes you'll depart and never come back.

Finally, there is an annual event called "Forgiveness Day" (www.forgivenessday.org). Each year, you can often find articles printed in the local newspaper about this day; perhaps forwarding this information to your family members will open the door a chink and let some sense seep into their brains.

I have no idea if what I've said offers any help or comfort to you, so let me just say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. It is completely understandable that you feel depressed and I'm only surprised you haven't lost your temper and gone to beat the hell out of someone - I sure would have been tempted by now!

Good luck and take care, we're on your side.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

chucho — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:55:42 GMT

I really can't tell you much, I wish I could. It is a little hard, when you asked for responses; but said how to respond. The last time I saw my oldest sister, was at my dad's funeral; in 1994. Both of us, and my younger sister (Still 11 years older than I am) sat around; and talked about how angry, and abusive our mom was; before I was born. We talked about how the 3 of us were kidnapped by her when I was 3 (I still remember sitting in the back of the county car, and watching them take my mom away in handcuffs). How she had hone to court, and helped my dad lock her up. How she was so much nicer, after the sterilization, and shock therapy. And then; my younger sister, and I told her about our children (That she has never seen - my nieces are now 41, and 43; and they have 6 kids. I have 5). We talked about our lives that she has never seen, because she divorced the family - We're too dysfunctional. She was a top Nurse Practitioner in the Northwest; and now, she, and her husband own 2 High-End Gourmet Stores. My sister, and I tell her about our mom's numerous hospitals, alcoholism, breakdowns. Then, my sister tells her about the last time she found our mom; having sat in her chair for days; the apartment manager bringing her bottles of scotch. Then, I share with the 2 of them what she was like for the next 3 years; until she died. I was the last family member that would deal with her. but - I dealt with her on the phone, by then; 3,500 miles away.

Over the years, I have dealt with my own alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, depression. I've tried suicide 3 times (Not doing it, to do it; obviously!). I have had to write off the relationship with my older sister, and my nephew. I had to forgive my younger sister, by forgiving myself. I forgave my parents; by knowing they did the best they could. Right now; though I have a son, and daughters over 25, with their own kids - I am still raising an 8 year old little girl, and my 11 year old stepson. Work is maybe 1 day a week, now. I have a deteriorating back, and my house will go to auction next week. I am trying to file bankruptcy; and fighting that in court. My insurance covers all but 6,000 a year. My 2003 F-350 Dually is broken down, and due for repossesion. And, my wife, and i have stayed together 9 years just for the kids. I haven't touched her in 5 years.

arl0869 - I didn't tell you all this to seem better, or worse then you; but to let you know you are not alone. And; so that you might listen to me, as being from the same school of mind. If you don't feel you did anything to deserve their treatment of you - let them go. You have your parents the whole year, it seems; and they only have them at the holidays. In the short time they have with them, they can put up a good front; as being better than you are. You are you all year long. I acknowledge my past, and the insanity. I acknowledge that I suffer from depression; sometimes, I won't get out of bed until midday (Of course, my pain meds help). Sometimes, it's a push to leave the house, and be around other people. I stuff my anger, and I'm not physically abusive; but I will "Attack" people with my sarcasm. I push myself everyday to be in my life, and take an active role. My youngest sister, and I have a wonderful relationship; after many long years of misunderstanding. I send pictures of my little girl to my oldest sister's website; but we haven't talked in 12 years (She hasn't talked to my sister, either). I had thousands of people as aquaintances; but the more I worked on becoming someone I would like to know; I now have a handful of people that I consider close friends. It's two-sided. And, there is love. Friends are the family you chose for yourself. Life is paradoxical, arl0869. For me to truly have a full life, I have to love myself; even when I can't. I do things for others, sometimes; when I wouldn't do them for myself. It is a daily battle choosing to be a part of, or a part from life. But, it is my choice. All you can do, is the best you can do. People; even family, can choose to be in life, as well. It is all about the freedom to live our lives, to the best of our ability. And - We are all doing it on a daily basis.

None of us are done yet. Please be patient.

There was a boy who wanted his dad's attention. His dad was reading the newspaper, and kept telling him that he would play with him in a while. Finally, after the boy pestering him; the dad took a newspaper page, with a picture of the world on it; and tore it into hundreds of pieces. He gave them to the boy; and said, "after you put this picture together, son, I will play with you".

After 20 minutes, the boy came back; and announced to his dad that he was done. His dad, shocked, asked him how he did it so fast. His son said:

"It was easy, dad. I had problems with the world; it was too much for me. When I turned the paper over; there was a picture of a man. So - I put the man together, and the world took care of itself."

Just be the best YOU you can be, and it won't be so bad. You will have more people that really love you for you then you can possibly imagine. This I will promise you.

NOW WHO'S LONG-WINDED? LOL

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

profitbob — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:57:45 GMT

arl0869, Most of this problem seems to be caused by your parents and their lack of control over their own children. I'm pretty sure that your parents know some reason why your sisters don't want you around and aren't telling you. They seem to be very afraid of confrontation, and possibly they are afraid to tell you because of what they think you will do. If they don't know the reason for banning you, then they are very afraid of confronting your sisters, but I can't believe they didn't ask for some reason to ban one of their own children from Christmas.

I would suggest that you talk to your parents and ask them for the real reasons behind everything. If they are willing to ban you from visiting during the holidays, and they can't control your sisters and don't even want to know why two their children can't stand one of the other, they are beyond dysfunctional.

I can't imagine letting relatives treat me the way you have, but with your parents as an example, you probably haven't learned a couple of things. I can't go over what you may be lacking now, but I can tell you what I would/wouldn't do if I were you. I wouldn't accept a temporary ban unless it was because I wanted to avoid those people. They could either deal with me or not and that would be it.

If my parents insisted on banning me for even a day, especially without a good reason (siblings not liking each other for an unknown reason is no reason in any other family, and they should know it), it would have been for years because I wouldn't have come back. I would have disowned your family a long time ago if everything you say is exactly true. The fact that you didn't shows how different our upbringing was from each other.

Of course, my parents would never have banned one child to please another one. That is just way beyond the pale in parenting, and you have my sympathy for their lack of skill/backbone. It is either get along or go away, but no one gets to push anyone else around or away. That's the rule. That your parents could succumb to emotional blackmail from their own children is sad, but most do. That children would emotionally blackmail their parents on purpose is nasty. If everything you say about your family and yourself is true (and you haven't left a few embarrassing details out), your sisters are very nasty people and I wouldn't ever see them again because I wanted it that way.

People are free to dislike or hate me all they want without giving me a reason. Heck, probably half my enemies or more don't really know why they chose to hate me. It's just some mistaken notion in their head that has nothing to do with reality as far as the rest of us see it. Your sisters may be the same way. They have certainly formed a power bloc in order to manipulate your parents, and this is certainly evil to hold grandchildren as emotional hostages to be ransomed.

People pay blackmail out of fear and guilt usually. Why your parents pay it is unknown beyond that they are crappy parents. Depression and sadness are not two emotions I would be feeling if I were you. Rage would be closer to the mark. I would be so pissed off that I would have trouble controlling myself and definitely wouldn't control my tongue. I would be in everybody's face 24/7 until I gave up on them and left them for good. Not only would I show up for every holiday but I would visit my sisters at their homes to demonstrate that they can not blackmail my parents without my permission. I would talk to their neighbors and let them know I was visiting my siblings. The whole nine yards. Everything I could possibly in good taste (and probably some things in bad taste) to make them miserable with my presence would be done. I would show up at where they worked unannounced and apply for a job and list my sisters as references. I would let them know that no matter how much control they may have over my parents, they have absolutely none over me, and the more they try and influence my parents the worse I would be. At some point they would have to cave in.

Of course, I have a very assertive personality when I need to have one, and you may not. Your family doesn't seem to like to deal directly with hard problems. I see that in my family, too, but nowhere near as badly. You may need to work on yourself to get the nerve to invite all of your sister's neighbors over to their house for a barbeque in your honor.

I would also make it clear that stopping the blackmail was my goal. They can keep their reasons for hating me a secret all they want, I don't care. That's their problem and until proven otherwise, I know I am innocent of any wrongdoing. But mistreating my parents? I couldn't think of many things more dangerous to try.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:58:55 GMT

Hi Allie,

My friends here have given you some very good advice and I don't think I can elaborate any better. I also, have sent this along to a person that my be able to advise you too.

I could say something from the depth of my cold cold heart, and suggest that you put it on your parents and tell them you, will no longer be part of the family if they don't work it out. But, I wont say that. What I will say, is this, it seems to be none of your doing that you know of. You have tried, and it is now out of your hands to deal with. When you have exhausted every means possible to deal with this issue you have no other choice but, to let it go, or, drive yourself crazy worring about it. I am not suggesting it is easy to do, but you must look after yourself now because no one else will. Perhaps one day they will come around and perhaps not. I like to think the ladder is true. In the mean time, you must live your own life and not theirs. You need not feel bad or feel sorrow for something you did not do. There is something I learned many years ago. You can ask forgiveness or make amends to someone and, they might not except it, the healing is in your ability to forgive them.

Bless you, George~

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:03:55 GMT

Well no wonders.....I couldn't submit. Will ya stop that Bob..Submitin when I'm trying to submit my submittance...

Great answer my friend.......G~

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Donna aka Maya — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:38:38 GMT

Good reply chucho - t u 2 u

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

chucho — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 23:14:06 GMT

Ailie, I forgot my manners. Welcome. As in life, there are some great people on this site, and it's always nice to have more!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jacval — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 23:27:49 GMT

You should put on the outside of the letter at least let me know what I did wrong, and that way I can try to make it up to you. Do you know of any of their friends that can find out what it is all about, then you will know what you can do to make it up to them. Tell them you are sorry, put it on the out side of the letter. Plead with them. Get in touch with one of their friends maybe they can find out why they are mad at you. I think that is your best bet. I think you should also go and see a therapist, because it is you need some one to talk to and maybe your therapist can talk to your parents and find out the real reason this is happening then again maybe it is better to not know cause of the state you are in. Try sending them some flowers and a box of candy and leave a note in it, saying can't we work this out as my sister you should at least do that for me. Do they go to church? You can ask their pastor to do a sermon on forgiving, maybe then they will come around. Do not let this get you down just try to have patience and they will come around.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Elena — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:36:01 GMT

Dear Ailie,

You have gotten so many wonderful answers here to ponder. There may be some suggestions that feel right to you as you think about what has been said here.

You are involved in a very difficult situation, to be sure. The words that come to my mind most strongly are abandonment and betrayal. The questions that come are How can family treat one of their own in this way? How can grown sisters be so cruel as to play this game as if they were five year old children? How can parents stand by and allow this to happen and further alienate you, as if you were an outsider? How could they choose one child over another?

I strongly feel, that, in some way, you are being scapegoated. For what reason, of course, we do not know. Dysfunctional families can turn very ugly in the quest for power (your sisters) and maintenance of denial (your parents).

I would strongly suggest, as has been said before, that you seek a therapist who can help you through this time. I truely believe that to get through this means to turn your focus from the situation and inwards to yourself, to see how you could care for yourself enough to move beyond this. If I were to look, with my mind's eye at your situation, I see you, in darkness bowed and weighted down by all of this ugliness that is flying around you, abusing you.

Moving beyond this will not be easy. These are people you love and a small part inside you, that little child who is in all of us, just cannot understand how they can do this. By finding that therapist to assist you in this process, you will be able to guide that part of you towards the goodness that you deserve.

If you can, in the meantime, continue to remind yourself to let it go. What this means is not that you don't care, but, that you no longer want this pain taking up permanent residence inside your heart.

Namaste,

Elena

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Elena — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:36:59 GMT

George,

Thank you for the invitation.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jada_lynne — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:06:15 GMT

Great answer JK Grams...thumbs up! Ailie, Wow...You do have a tough situation and I too am sorry to hear your story. It is sad indeed. I didn't read all the answers because I too am tired and it's been a long day, but I see you did get some good answers! In a situation like this, there may be no "right" answer, so I'll tell you something that someone once told me when I was in a tough situation of my own; For some things, there are no answers. Now you may be thinking the exact same thing that I thought when I first heard that which was, what the hell kind of answer is that? But for me, after giving it much thought, it clicked. For some things there really are no answers. The situation I was in several years back was crazy. It made no sense and the person causing the problem made no sense. It spent way too much time trying to figure it out and making myself crazy... and then I got it...for some things, there are no answers. As sad as that may be it allowed me to move forward. You can't pick your family according to some. I disagree. I have some wonderful friends that are as much family to me as my blood family. If you find that your sisters do not come around, you have to build family with your friends. You have to move forward and you have to do it for the sake of your own sanity. You deserve so much more and I wish you all the best. Jada

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jada_lynne — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:16:03 GMT

Very well put Elana ; )

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:16:15 GMT

Manners', manners', we don't need no stinking manners.....lol...Shame on you buddie.

O000p's.........Welcome to Yedda Allie...

Good Day Doug....George

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:56:40 GMT

Hi Jada,

I like the part where you state "sometimes there are no answers" great point!

I call this acceptance, and think of the Serenity Prayer.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

All of us encounter failures, some retrievable, some not, and sometimes met with defeat, sometimes by accident, sometimes self inflicted, and still other times dealt to us by the injustice and violence of others.

George~

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jada_lynne — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 17:04:23 GMT

I just recently wrote this and somehow it seemed fitting to share it with you...

Ever had a sadness

creep right into your veins

reach right down into your soul

and make you feel insane

Ever took that glimpse

into the depths of your soul

and found the things you've left behind

have left a gaping hole

Ever felt your mind

could not find any peace

the battle waged inside your heart

looking for relief

Ever felt intense pain

that drove you to your knees

and all that screaming in your head

yet no one hears your pleas

Ever stood among a crowd

and felt so all alone

and looked around to realize

you can't find your way home

Ever searched for answers

the ones you cound not find

Stop looking now and understand

you're only wasting time

Jada

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

profitbob — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:06:34 GMT

jada_lynne, nice poem. I took the liberty of rewriting it a little bit. I hope you don't mind. Here is my rewrite:

Have you ever had a sadness
creep into your veins,
deep down in, to your soul,
and make you feel insane?

Have you ever had that glimpse
of the depths inside your soul,
and found the things you've left behind
have left a gaping hole?

Have you ever felt your mind
could not find any peace,
the battle raged inside your heart
looking for relief?

Have you ever felt the pain
that drove you to your knees,
with all that screaming in your head,
yet no one hears your pleas?

Have you ever stood among a crowd
and felt so all alone,
and looked around to realize
you can't find your way home?

Have you ever searched for answers,
the ones you could not find?
Stop looking now and understand,
you're only wasting time.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jada_lynne — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:21:17 GMT

Actually PB...that's how it looks on paper...I got lazy on here. Thank you for repairing it! It looks much better now! and by the way, I was checking out your question about twitter and went over and made a twitter page, to see what all the fuss is about. I haven't figured out yet if it's something I will use or not. I added you and since I recently added you as a friend on myspace too, I figured I should let you know up front... I am not stalking you ...Tee hee

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

profitbob — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:53:45 GMT

jada_lynne, if you were stalking me you would be the first one that was polite about it, so I'm not worried. I started following you on Twitter, back. You make the second person, so far. I'm not sure if Twitter is useful to me, but it doesn't waste any of my time so it's okay. It is easy to see if someone has been online recently and what they've posted, but how many people do I really care if they are? Who knows, maybe after a year or two it will be useful when I follow enough people or there is any interest by the world in general in following me.

By the way, I changed some words in the poem, that's what I meant by rewriting it. The formatting was for my benefit so I could read it easier.

Ailie, I'm sorry about going off topic, but the private message function is broken at the moment and I can't reply to jada_lynne without posting here. I know it is probably annoying to watch us chat back and forth. You are welcome to join in the conversation though, if you like.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jada_lynne — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:51:19 GMT

lol...Jada... the polite stalker! Yes, I noticed the rewrite...I'm not much of a writer but sometimes things just pop in my head and I can't get them out so I write them down...self-therapy I suppose.

If you find anything useful on twitter let me know. Personally, I didn't see what all the hoopla was about.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Asha — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 07:27:20 GMT

Hi kids, "polite stalker!" Lol! Since we're exploring the poetic side of life, I want to join in! Ailie, in keeping with your qustion, this is for you...

I'm going away to think things through, Perhaps to find an answer or two, And maybe somewhere along the way, I'll learn to take life day by day.

I've often thought of myself as strong, to face the things that could go wrong, But now I know, it's plain to see, I'm just not in control of me.

My heart I carry upon my sleeve, so now you know why I must leave, And maybe somewhere along the way, I'll learn to take life day by day. ~

Hope you all have a great weekend!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 09:23:51 GMT

Replies to all while my computer seems to be working (knocking on wood) I tried the letter thing 2 years ago ~ had my friend address them (male handwriting) and even drove to Wisconsin to mail them. No replies...but I do know they got them because they were briefly mentioned to my parents...although nothing else was divulged. I have given up on trying to communicate I think. All it does is make me feel like crap and want to beat my head against the wall. If this helps any, my Father is an alcoholic retired police officer and WW2 vet ~ I know he suffers from PTSD (not making excuses...just sayin') and I don't want to get hit for bringing it up to him (or my Mom) again. He's gone almost 1 year without hitting me and frankly, I'd like to keep it that way. For all of those who have shared your personal stories, all I can give is my heartfelt and warmest THANKS. Your stories brought me to tears, but also made me feel as if I am not alone. Sorry this is short and sweet, but I only have a moment and my head is spinning with thoughts right now... Thanx again....

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

chucho — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 00:33:44 GMT

Ailie (How did you do those hearts; they are awesome, by the way!!!) - That was the short version of my post...

You're not alone. I think that those of us that are messed up, ought to play musical lives; I'd much rather work on someone else's problems!!! LOL

Hang in there, Ailie; and stay around here for awhile.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 10:01:37 GMT

Hey Chucho ~ I cheated and copied it from my page on myspace cuz I love 'em. Thank you for being so supportive ~ that's one thing I am so grateful and thankful for since finding this site....people like you! If you (or anyone else) has myspace, feel free to add me ~ just let me know who you are!! :) www.myspace.com/princessdorkula2009 And no giggles at my name there ~ I've always been a HUUUUUUUUUGE dork, so it's been a nickname for years.......LOL!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 10:03:33 GMT

Sending my thoughts, prayers, and blessings to you Asha ~ hope to see you back soon. You definitely have made a difference in my life, whether you know it or not! God Bless ~

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Asha — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:23:12 GMT

Thanks.

By the way, it's nice to meet you. You are a welcome sight on Yedda!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 17:08:23 GMT

I second that Asha! It is a welcome sight. Welcome Allie..

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:23:18 GMT

*Smiles and thanx to all for the warm welcomes* !!!

A friend of mine sent me a quote the other day and it REALLY hit home with me. I wanted to share it with you ~ especially those of you who have gone thru issues that are in some way/shape/form like mine. It realllly made me think ~

"YOU CAN SPEND HOURS, MINUTES, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS, OR EVEN YEARS OVERANALYZING A SITUATION; TRYING TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER, JUSTIFYING WHAT COULD OR WOULD HAVE HAPPENED...OR YOU CAN JUST LEAVE THE PIECES ON THE FLOOR AND MOVE THE HELL ON!!!!"

Not sure where he got it from or who wrote it...but I sure liked it!

Now how TRUE is that?

I taped it on every mirror in my house and have it on the front of the refrigerator just to remind myself and keep reading it over and over. I think that's going to be my "mantra" to free myself from the dysfunction and toxicity.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 07:25:27 GMT

For some reason I can't give thumbs up tonite (glitch?) Ya'll get at least 5 dozen or more a piece from me just for being the wonderful people that you are. I'll try again later today ~

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jkgrandma — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:09:57 GMT

To make paragraphs, type a 'less than' sign followed by a lower case 'p' and then a 'greater than' sign.

No spaces - just run all three of 'em together. I'd do it to show you, but then it would just make a paragraph!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:25:15 GMT

JKGrandma,

Kinda like this?

Hehe.

Thank you!! :)

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 10:30:36 GMT

Good quote,

I know the been's very well, closely related to the if's. Very disfuctional families. Would of, should of, and could of, and their cousin, what if. Very often, when I think" to much, there they are. Why, I could think myself into madness going over all the different ways I, coulda,wooda,shoulda, did something, or what if I.... My only resolve was acceptance. Basically, it is what it is, and I can't change it. So, I go out and paint the lawn a different color, just so I don't go crazy.

Am I over thinking this?

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Elena — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:34:04 GMT

Jada,

A very belated thanks to you.

Elena

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:35:08 GMT

I don't think you're overthinking it at all, George.

We all "should" on ourselves too often (yes, pun was intended) and I "get" exactly what you are saying!

My cousin is doing The Walk For The Cure again this year and sent this song to me ~ I believe they're using it during their campaign....

I have been listening to it because it's incredibly positive and uplifting, so wanted to share it with all of you. Kinda spoke to me ~ saying that no matter what I've gone thru, I'm here for a reason!!

(For some reason when I hit "add video", nothing happens, so here is the link) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XZ12nrz47U

Sometimes for me, when words fail...music speaks.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:51:12 GMT

Oh ~ forgot one thing, George.

My brother's AA sponsor told me once regarding acceptance to use the serenity prayer, which I like very much.

He said an easy way to break it down (which I liked even more) is to say "I CAN'T. YOU CAN. PLEASE HELP."

And this is something that hung on the wall in my 7th grade classroom ~ we had this really kewl young nun (first one to not dress in a habit, which was a tad shocking to all of us young kids). I have it hanging in my office and read it every day ~ that's how much it stuck with me.

A PRAYER TO BE SAID WHEN THE WORLD HAS GOTTEN YOU DOWN, AND YOU FEEL ROTTEN, AND YOU'RE TOO TIRED TO PRAY, AND YOU'RE IN A BIG HURRY, AND BESIDES, YOU'RE MAD AT EVERYBODY: "HELP."

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

profitbob — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:16:14 GMT

Allie, when you wnat to post a video, you go to youtube (or wherever) and click on "embed" not "share". Embed is in the top right under the description of the song. Then copy it and paste the embed information into the add video top box and click insert.

jkgrandma, when you want to type a HTML command so people can see it, you put it in quotation marks. "
" "
"

Firefox works better as a browser for Yedda than Explorer.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Donna aka Maya — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 20:16:02 GMT

Good for you Allie!

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 11:15:32 GMT

Isn't that song great! Thanks for sharing Alie3>, I never heard that one before, it speaks loud and clear to me.

Have a grat day !

G~

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

George~ — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 11:54:23 GMT

"And acceptance is the answer to *all* my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..."

This is from the big book of AA. I have a copy and have read it many times over the years. It's a great read. Really puts things into perspective for me. There is nothing that gets me angry, I have opinions on things and can be expressive but I never sweat the small stuff.

Have a good day Alie...

George~

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Ailie — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:01:40 GMT

Thanx for the advice, Profit Bob ~ I'm learning a lil more about HTML every day !! :) Sometimes I "speak" the best thru music....just one of those things.
Thanx Donna. Appreciate it.
Keep sharing those George ~ they're great!!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend ~ you all deserve it and I thank you for being such great people to me!
Ailie

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

profitbob — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 19:30:21 GMT

Allie, lots of us speak better through music. I could discuss the reasons for this for hours but I won't. I will post a video I like though.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jazzi — Fri, 01 May 2009 02:48:35 GMT

Nice to know you are on board Allie. I found myself laughing when you spoke of the other names you are called because I suffer with the same problem over my name(will send privately).

They say whenever you have a problem just look around and you will find someone whose issue is either the same or similiar.

I share some of the issues you say you have with your siblings. There isn't enough room to write my family's problems. But just know this. You can send your concern to Dr Phil if you don't mind the world knowing about it.

When holidays came I use to cry and attempt to seal it in a bottle. Figuring finally it wasn't working, I decided to move on with my life. Even though I did the pain never really left me. So I treat those days as a regular day and talk or try to brave the cold weather to go around my kids or vice versa.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

jazzi — Fri, 01 May 2009 02:54:08 GMT

That was a great song..it was so meaningful.

RE: Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

ShadoFyre — Fri, 01 May 2009 03:27:05 GMT

Ailie

I can relate to much of what you wrote, though to be honest, not all. Please feel free to use any/all of the following. Some of these I learned from hard experience, and some I heard from other people:

If I don't like something, I change it; if I can't change it, I work around it; if I can't work around it, I let it go. As for your siblings, love them, though realise you can't control how they feel, what they think, or what they do. Give yourself some time and effort, working on your problems. In all of Time and Eternity, there is only one

You. Love yourself, be good to yourself; if you don't, very few, if any others, will

do this for you or to you.

Never Worry. Figure out what is important to you, and deal with that; let the rest

go. When you worry about anything. you add another problem to your load.

If this sounds selfish, maybe it is a little bit so, but consider: Sometimes, you just have to do for yourself, just like no one can sleep or eat for you, you have to do those things for yourself. Do this, for yourself.

Also, stand in front of a mirror, three or more times a day, look at that person in the mirror, hug yourself, and tell the person in the mirror,"I love you.", and really

mean it. You can do this as many times a day as you need to, but do it at least three times a day. If you can't find time for that, make the time. You're worth it, and you need to realise that you're worth it. Please keep in touch, as I've been there, and can help.

ShadoFyre@aol.com