Engaged and Confused

george — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 02:50:42 GMT

My fiancee and I are having alot of trouble lately. I really love her and want to talk to her as much as possible, be with her as much as possible, and see her as much as possible but she doesn't feel the same way. She is content not seeing me for extended periods of time and its getting worse. She also is very un-emotional and physically distant from me. I feel like I am giving everything that I can to this relationship to show her that I love her but she is nothing but annoyed and calloused to me. I am strongly considering breaking off the engagement because I simply dont think that I can continue to pour myself into a cup with a hole in it. Can someone please help me with some words of advice???

RE: Engaged and Confused

Jay aka EET — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 05:31:33 GMT

George-

Being that you two are engaged, I would think that she must have considered marrying you at one time. The actions that you describe are consistent with her changing her mind.

For your future peace of mind, I would talk to her about how you perceive her actions and ask if there are any reasons for this behavior. Ask her what she sees as the future for the two of you. (I think that it would be prudent to have a list of questions that you want to ask her. I would make this a mental list. So think about this before you go to the OK Corral. Listen to her. Ask her to clarify anything that is not clear. But do not dispute with her. Do not try to change her mind. This is an information gathering mission. It is not one to restore the relationship. {Theme music from Mission Impossible is playing in the background.} She may not give you an honest answer, but I suspect she may not have the guts to break off the relationship. Or she might not want to deal with the guilt of terminating the relationship. Therefore, she is putting the ball in your court.

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.

I can be empathetic here, George. I have recently lived thru this. You can, too. If the pain doesn't kill you, it will certainly make you stronger.

For your sake, I'm hoping that maybe she is having chronic PMS, but I seriously doubt it.

Life goes on. May GOD comfort you in your time of loss.

JayR

RE: Engaged and Confused

DB Lady — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 07:45:08 GMT

I agree with JayR, gave him 2 thumbs up. She seems like she changed her mind about eventually marrying you. I know this must be painful for you but on one hand, you should be thankful. She saved you a lot of future heartaches, she is feeling really bad about this but she does not have the guts to tell you how she really feels. Life goes on and you still have a lot of chances to meet someone who will be more compatible with you. Sorry about this bad experience. I know you will heal emotionally as time goes by.

Take care and Best wishes to you. You are a very nice boyfriend.

RE: Engaged and Confused

DrDooLittleSissy — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 15:36:57 GMT

I confer that JayR has given you good solid advice. 2 thumbs up from me too =)

Communication is key to any successful relationship!

GOOD LUCK

RE: Engaged and Confused

Equus — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:10:58 GMT

I also agree with JayR. She no longer loves and wants to marry you , she just doesn't know how to tell you . I know this is very painful for you , but you need to break the engagement .

RE: Engaged and Confused

Silly — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 21:26:01 GMT

Yep, I believe she's changed her mind, and just doesn't know how to let you know that. Or...maybe she has cold feet now, for some reason, and maybe it can be worked out with a little time. The only way to find out for sure, is to call off the wedding for now, and see if there's something to save. If not, then move on, and find someone that really deserves someone like you!

Take care, and good luck either way!

RE: Engaged and Confused

karr132 — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 07:01:49 GMT

hi, well this sound just like the relationship. and coming from her side, she is scared. and she doesnt want to spend as much time with you becase she might think she could get tired of you, and she is trying to avoid fighting.

RE: Engaged and Confused

george — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 12:24:27 GMT

Well, she and I have sat down and talked... Here are a few things that I have learned.

1) Her room mate has been trying to break us up.

2) Her personality type is one that likes her physical space quite a bit.

3) She loves me, and its just my ADHD becomes a bit too much to handle sometimes(anyone that has it knows what she means I guess ;) )

4) She has a completely different love language and feels that if I want to be physical ALL the time that I don't love her.

5) She wants our relationship to be more christian than it is, to put God at the center of our relationship, not sex.

I can respect all of these things and learn from them, I had no idea that the way I was showing her my love was actually coming off the exact opposite of my intentions. Now that her room mate can't play ""Devils Advocate" I think my fiancee may be less stressed and happier. I may have a rough time adjusting to her liking her space but I believe it is something I can do because I love her for who she is, not only for her good things but also the not so good things. Im glad that all of you guys gave me some great advice and will keep it all in mind for the future!

-Thanks

RE: Engaged and Confused

Skitch — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 16:14:50 GMT

Listen, she may be the type that doesn't realize what she is doing. She may just simply be taking your love for her for granted. Is she working long hours? Is she having problems with friends or family? Sometimes stress can bring out our worst sides. You need to have a simple conversation with her. Be direct and to the point. She may not have decided not to marry you, but she may be having doubts or she may just be going through a rough patch.

Good luck. I hope everything works out the way it should!