Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:23:44 GMT

I have been bugging my friends to an extent that they've started avoiding me ( I think so ) Erm... I'm hoping someone would take out the time to read this & help me : I'm a 20 year old girl. I started dating this guy ( when I was 16 ) I had met online ( yea, I dont know why ) after being friends for like 2-3 months or so ( During which I saw him deal with a few girls who said they were prob pregnant cuz of him which he obviously refuted in front of me & tried to make me believe that he was actually a virgin ). He was everything I should've stayed away from - A party animal, a show off, crazy about girls, etc etc. But - I still got with him. He told me about his ex who had left him cuz she had to do her graduation in another state & even showed me some texts from some number which said " I promise to get back with you after 5 years. Love you ". But, he made it quite clear that he was actually happy that this girlfriend ( of 9 months ) had gone away. Anyways, so, we started off. There were many times he found my phone busy at night ( I was talking to friends ) & then, he regularly started checking up on my account - asking me how I know this / that person. It did bug me but, I gave him all the explanations he ever asked for. Then, one day, he turns around & tells me " I don't want you talking to ANY guy & I want you to shut down your account as well. " That was quite weird cuz I had friends I had known since we were kids & I am not the kind of person who keeps many friends so, obviously these few friends that I had were very close & few of them were boys. He wanted me to get away from ALL of em - not just boys but, even girls !! So - I started distancing myself from him - cuz this behavior was just unacceptable. But, it was bad - he started lurking around outside my house & if I didn't pick up my cell when he called, he left messages threatening to tell my parents about us. Now - I have the kind of parents who only accept guys as friends - nothing else. If they would've come to know that I had a boyfriend - they would've KILLED me ( literally ) ! Anyhow so, I had no other option & one day, when he wanted to meet me & I didn't - he threatened me so, I went. I would spare the details & tell you what happened that day - He raped me. He forced himself on me. And I couldn't do anything. Nothing. And when he was done - I was crying, in pain & all I did was beg - for him to not leave me. He always knew that I was going to lose my virginity only to my husband that is, whenever when I got married. I was devastated - I couldn't tell my parents, the police - No one. I had one close guy friend ( who had warned me about my boyfriend when I got with him as he had been chasing his friend for a while. He had said that your guy is famous as a loose character. ) Yea - So, I called him & he was furious but, obviously, nothing could be done. I could NOT tell the police nor my parents. I thought for days, days while my boyfriend was constantly contacting me - apologizing & crying cuz ' He was a rapist '. I finally reached the conclusion that I was going to stay with this guy cuz he had my virginity. And I think, he also knew that I was going to stay with him cuz he had my virginity. So, we got back, tried to behave normal. But, after maybe 2-3 weeks, he started getting horny again - and on MY birthday - he gave himself a gift - by doing me. After that, I did EVERYTHING he asked me to cuz I feared losing him - I cut off contact with all my friends just as he wanted, gave him the passwords to all my accounts. It was only after 1 month of all this that I realized that if he expected this of me - he should be doing the same. But, obviously, he didn't - never changed his cell number ( though he got mine changed ) but, kept telling me that he wasn't in contact with any girl. But, one day randomly - I asked him to open his account ( whose password he never gave to me even though he had mine ) and I saw mails - he telling this girl how he loved her, how she was the only friend he ever had. I felt like I was stabbed. But, he gave me some weird reasons which I don't know why - believed. After that, we both shut our accounts to avoid problems like these. After we had been together for 2 years or so - Fb came up. And by then, he had already made it clear to me that he wanted to be the biggest party animal the world would ever know. He convinced me to let him make an account on Fb to make a ' friend list ' that would serve as his guest list. I completely trusted him by then, so, I let him. He wanted me to make an account there too but, I refused. It was okay with me. And then, randomly - just to give him a surprise, I made an account on Fb. When I saw his profile - I was shocked - there were more than 400 people on his list - mostly half naked girls. And his wall was full of " Love you's & Miss you's & call me's ". I called his mum ( who knew about us & btw, he didn't have a dad - he died when my guy was 15 ). She said she had no idea about all this & asked me to wait till he woke up. Things remained heated for a day or two - but, I was convinced by them that this was done just to attract people to his parties. So, I made an a/c on Fb & he removed all these people from his list. What I didn't realize was that most of the ' school friends ' he had kept on his a/c were actually random girls he had chatted up with. I found out that too. I also found porn on his p.c. regularly which he blamed on his younger brother but, I knew it was him & I obviously felt very insulted - I felt like he might be viewing my body the same way as those porn stars - no respect. And things were just getting on my nerves. But, I always let him fix these things - I had to stay with him - He had my virginity. Surprisingly, he never seemed to mind my a/c on Fb - A number of long lost friends & acquaintances began to contact me. It was like he completely trusted me ( But, I obv didn't ). Except for a few guys, he never bothered - Whenever I asked him if there was something he'd wanna know / see - he said he trusted me. And I was on cloud nine. In reality also - I was doing nothing. I limited all these long lost people to Fb only - whenever someone asked for my number / meet up or something - I blocked em. And while I thought things were getting back on track - My guy was busy flirting with chicks in his inbox ( since its not necessary to add a person to your friend list to exchange messages ). He never gave me his password. And when I asked him to show me his account - He behaved weird. But, there were times he himself showed me his account - and there was nothing ( Obviously cuz he deleted everything suspicious before I came to meet him.) Also, he never let me see his phone & if he had to even go for a bath while I was there, he'd switch off his phone / put a security code. Meanwhile - his ' parties ' failed miserably & even though, it was my shoulder he always needed to cry on - he & his mum started putting the blame of all his failures on me. He fell deeply into drugs & blamed it on me cuz according to him, I made him so upset with his life that he had to do drugs to convince himself he's happy. And he became an addict. His mum never stopped him cuz according to her " This was his age to do all this " ! Whenever he & I had a fight - he'd ask his mum to intervene ( and I obv cant be fighting with an elder woman ). So, I was made to shut up & I was constantly reminded of how cursed my presence was for my guy. Oh yea - Btw - my guy - he had not even completed school. So, his mum always told me that since he had never studied - parties were all he could do. And not to forget his dream of becoming the biggest party animal ever with loads of half naked sluts around him. The worst was - he wanted me to be there too - in those parties, in those pics with the chicks. I am not from a family like that neither am I a party person. So, we started clashing & by then, I had completely lost my trust in him too. I was even abused verbally & beaten up regularly - which were followed by apologies & I stayed - thinking things would change. The funny part is that my guy seemed to know that these party-girls only came for the money & he also knew that none of his friends were really his ' friends ' & I was the only ' real ' person in his life. Even his mum - she just gave him money to go & have fun when he was upset - she never really consoled him or let him cry his heart out or something ( probably cuz she was busy enjoying life with her boyfriend - her husband's business partner ) But, his family really loved me - at least, they pretended to. But well, he ran after these same ' hollow ' chicks, parties, friends. And none of them ever stopped him. We broke up no. of times - but always got back. During our break ups - his ' best friends ' used to contact me & tell me how sick, loose he was. And how they were surprised that he had found a girl like me. Whenever we got back - I used to tell him the truth about these ' best friends '. He used to be shocked but, was back to enjoying with them like always as if they said nothing !! And yes, during our break ups - He used to go on this rampage of adding girls, flirting with em, telling em how pretty they are, discussing our relationship & why we broke up. ( I saw the messages later ). When we used to get back & I asked him why he did all this - He said he knew I'd be watching. He said he used to do it to drive me crazy so, that I'd call him & get back ! The thing is - he used to chase these chicks like a dog but, ' his ego never let him call me '. He could cry regarding our break up in front of these sluts but, never me !! But, last year - he beat me up & abused me - badly - my face was swollen & bleeding - all cuz he wanted to meet this childhood friend of his & I didn't want him to. So, his mum's boyfriend decided that it was over. I cut off all contacts - changed my number, blocked him on Fb. But, I did see his friend list - it was growing & the girls he was adding were.... After I finally stopped checking up - after 2 months - he called my college friend - begging, crying cuz he wanted me back. My friend put us on conference cuz I had strictly told her to not pass on my number to anyone. He cried - I screamed at him - I said all I ever wanted to - I told him I hated him. And he just listened, and cried. I was relieved inside. But, he called again after a week or so - and he convinced me to get back with him - promising he'd change & make it beautiful. So, when we got back, I saw a side to him I loved, I didn't trust him but, I tried to. On our 3rd year anniversary, he proposed to me !! He even got our names tattooed on his neck !! We even adopted a puppy together - he lovingly called him our son. I was over-joyed. Life was BEAUTIFUL. But, it was too good to be true - 6 months after getting back - it all started again - the girls, the parties, the abuse. He said that 6 months he behaved just the way he wanted me to, so, I should trust him. But, I just couldn't. And then, everything was miserable again. But, he never broke up - he wanted me to trust him cuz of the guy he had been pretending to be for 6 months !! I mean, how sick is that ?? This March - I had finally had enough - he had started adding random girls again - he thought this would force me to trust him. But, it was all killing me inside. So, I broke up. I broke up. I thought it'd make him regret. But, I was wrong. He went crazy adding girls. And uploaded the pics of a party he hosted ( only 8 peple came !! ) But, there were a few pics with girls who lived in the same locality as his & an older woman. Meanwhile - His Fb was flooded with " OMG, I missed you, call me, love you ". His mum called after a month after our break up on my landline since I had changed my cell number - it was his birthday - she told me how depressed he had been since morn. I made it clear that I was not going to wish him & he could enjoy with those girls so, she threatened to tell my parents. I had no choice, I called to wish him. We spoke for a min or so & then, I hung up. He wanted me to call him ' once in a while '. And guess what ? My friend who has access to his Fb a/c ( cuz her brother knows him ) told me that he was actually partying on his birthday with his friends & an old foreign woman !! She showed me the pics. I called him & BLASTED him - I couldn't believe his mother lied so much to me ! Anyways, we spoke for a week or so after that - during which he said weird things like he wanted to marry me, get back with me but, wanted to be 'free' with girls. He was even ready to let me talk to guys now ! ( It was like he wanted to be single while being in a relationship ). Also, he said - all these years, there was not one day he didn't lie to me cuz he knew I would not accept him with all those wishes of his - so, he lied cuz he feared losing me. I was just being sucked into that warp again - so, one day I finally texted him telling him what an indecent, dishonest, characterless hypocrite he was. He called me after a day - saying he was deeply disturbed because of the message I sent to him. I told him it was the truth & I told him to keep that message as last of me. I haven't heard from him since. This happened in the beginning of April. But, yes, thanks to my friend - I know he has over 500 people on his Fb friend list now ( he had only 220 when he was with me ) most of them look like party sluts & he's even added back ALL those girls who ever created problems between us. ( He used to make fun of them with me, call em ugly, fat et al. He's even added his younger brother's friends, girlfriends & ex-girlfriends !! ) And worse - I saw his recent pics - kissing, necking, touching ( inspite of that tattoo with our names on his neck ) foreign women ( who look MUCH older & who weren't even wearing enough clothes to cover themselves with ) & an ' old friend ' he had supposedly forgotten - on the bed, the sofa - everywhere. I have now come to know that this ' old friend ' of his was actually pursuing her grad in another state & she's come back now. But, its been 3 & a half years to my relationship. I wonder if it was she who was actually his ex-girlfriend ( he had told me about ) though he had told me a different name. But, the way they're all over each other in the pics, I am quite sure that they've had sex. And there is no way they've just caught up. She even lives in the same locality so, my imagination goes all crazy when I think. And to top it all - she is quite famous as someone who's loose & would get with any guy. She's everything he wanted - a party girl who doesn't mind him mixing with other women & she, herself, does the same. Its like - I was never there. Its like those 3 & a half years of my relationship were never there. Its like he never proposed to me. Its like he's actually quite happy. But, when I BROKE UP, WHY AM I NOT HAPPY ? I feel tired all day - I cry, I sleep, I have lost a LOT of weight & my parents are SO worried. There are days I feel fine but, most of the days - I keep crying, thinking, dreaming about him & all that was there between us. I have finally asked my friend to stop checking up on his a/c - the last update was that he had lost his phone ( which prob means my number's lost too ) & all the numbers while he was having fun on the beach ( I dont even want to know with who ). He also did create a few fake accounts & added me but, I obv don't add randommers. Anyway, he's stopped that. Its like he's not even bothered if I'm dead or alive. Whenever I'm alone, I unblock him & see friend lists of random girls to see if he's there & most of the times - he is. I dont even need to imagine what they must be talking about. But, its just driving me insane - I cant get myself to stop thinking, imagining, crying - He's broken everything. I had broken up so that, he'd realize but, he is HAVING FUN with sluts. My friend's brother who knows him personally & everyone else , they all say I should be glad he's gone. The thing is I have always got back with him when he wanted, he himself said it on my face that he knew he could take me for granted. He never let any of my 3 birthdays that I spent with him, go peacefully - from doing me, to beating me up, to abusing me - everything ! But, I broke up & inspite of all that he's doing right now - I haven't called him - and this is unlike anything we've been through before. But, I dont know what to do - Did he really substitute me with that ex ? Is that old friend his ex ? Why is chasing SO MANY girls ? Does he not remember me ? Does he not think of me even once ? Is he doing all this cuz he knows I'm watching ? Or is he genuinely happy with his life ? Its been a month & a week since we last spoke - Has he really forgotten me & all about us ?

Often during our conversations - he used to own up to the fact that he was behaving incredibly immature. But, like he said - I want to have that experience ! He wanted to be the " Hugh Hefner of photos " But - this was how it went : He used to say - " You dont understand me, do you ? You want a family, a glorious career, a well paying job, a loving husband & kids. I do too. But, there are other things I want in life - I want to be seen in parties with LOADS of girls around me including you - people should be jealous of me - they should feel miserable that they don't have a life like mine ! I want people to chase me to be my friend. I want to have more than a million friends on my page & more than a million numbers in my phone - I want to have albums on Fb - Me, Parties, Girls. I want to be POPULAR - with people in general - not just guys or girls. And I don't want a curse like love / relationship with you to restrict me. Why can I not be friends with a girl who seems interesting / beautiful to me ? Why can't I talk to her on the phone / hang out with her ? Only cuz I'm in a relationship ?!?! I will have sex with you only - promise. " ( Right - He will have sex only with me - that was all he wanted to keep me for ? ) He never did anything like that with me - Spoke to me over the phone only fr a few minutes, NEVER went out with me - He always wanted us to stay home cuz he felt very ' husbandly ' that way. And I did as he said. I like a loony used to sit & make cards for him, I used to try & make things he liked eating ( cuz his mum NEVER bothered ), buy things for him ( not myself ) whenever I went out shopping. He never did - those cards lay in a corner between old newspapers & magazines, he just tasted ( 1 spoon ) what I made for him & throw the rest & then, order a take-away-meal, and yea - he used to get cheap t-shirts ( I couldn't even wear them at home - they were that cheap & sick ) or at the most - cola candies ( since I LOVED those ). Even on my birthday - he just asked me if I wanted something - and I said No & that was it. He NEVER bothered to buy me a damned cake, let alone a gift. But, I didn't mind - I wanted him to be there, I didn't want the gifts, I didn't want him to spend money on me - I wanted him - only. And you know what he said to his mum when we broke up ? " I spend all my money on her & she still isn't grateful !! " - That's what hurt me. Did those shirts / candies cost THAT much ? Right - All his money was splurged on his dear friends who hated him or on drugs. And not to forget - Along with my tee's, he used to get himself expensive perfumes, jeans & what not - and he showed em to me - " Here - I got you this stupid tee & look I got myself expensive stuff ! ". That's why these things bother me now. Oh ! Did I tell you - he took his best friend out fr lunch in a five star hotel when it was his birthday ( his friend's ) & I was taken to McDonald's on mine ! I really didn't want to get down to calculating all this but, when he said that to his mum - I just felt SO insulted ! Even his friends used to come to me asking me to ask my guy to get their work done if he could get it done faster cuz they knew I would gladly sacrifice my time with him so, his friends & he could sort out their own things ! And he used to ' act ' so worked up - " You know I'll do this only cuz you told me to - otherwise, I wanna spend time with you. " He did stay home most of the time earlier - except that he used to get out at around 12 in the night - to start with his ' socializing ' and return home at 6/7 in the morn !! But, now, that I'm gone - I'm sure that if not a party promoter - he is meeting up enough people & clicking pics with em to upload & adding people on Fb & storing their numbers in his phone book - to be Mr.Popular - as he always wanted to be - since my cursed relationship is no longer there to restrict him. And this, according to his mum, is the right thing for him to do cuz he's a school drop out - he can't get a job ! I wonder what he'll write in his C.V. - Hi ! I have NO education - But, I have 10256 people on my Fb friend list & 547629 numbers in my cellphone ?!?!? He used to ask me if lemon had a single m in it or double !!! And now, he's going around telling people that he's finished with engineering & is starting with his MBA. I wonder if he can even spell MBA !?!?!?!

RE: Please HELP

jkgrandma — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:34:15 GMT

You need counseling. You need it IMMEDIATELY.

PLEASE do not allow yourself to get back together with this man. He is an ABUSER. He abused you and stole years of your life that you will never get back. What he did to you (and what his mother made excuses for) is unconscionable and should never have happened.

You are lucky to be alive.

I want you to immediately contact a Rape Crisis Center and tell a counselor this whole story. Then I want you to ask them for help in finding a therapist to speak to; you desperately need it. If it is not too late (statute of limitations) then you need to press charges against this man.

If you feel that you cannot bring yourself to do so, then I want you to think about this. What if he does this to another girl? What if she is even younger than you were when you met him? What if he so destroys another girl that she attempts suicide because of him?

You MUST be strong enough to see that this man is taken out of circulation. He is a miserable excuse for a human being and he should be jailed for his actions. Rape is a crime. Physical abuse is a crime. Stalking and threatening are crimes.

Here are links to a rape hotline and also a domestic violence hotline. Please use them. www.rainn.org (information for rape victims) and www.ndvh.org (information for victims of domestic violence).

PLEASE WAKE UP AND GET HELP BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:40:47 GMT

I CANT DO THAT.

I CANT seek pro-help, I cant go the cops - I CANT do anything. Please try & understand - I cant. This is why I'm seeking help here.

I just need some advice. PLEASE

RE: Please HELP

jkgrandma — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:49:49 GMT

Honey, you have to. Please just check out the links I gave you.

They will NOT turn him in for you. They will NOT force you to do anything you are not ready to do. They WILL help you work through everything that has happened to you.

You can remain COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS unless (or until) you are ready to identify yourself. I promise, NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE unless you want to share that with them.

Please, honey. You need help; not advice. We cannot give you what you need, it will not be enough. I know you are afraid - for yourself, for your family and even for him - but you have to be strong enough to take this little baby step that I'm telling you to take, can you do that?

You owe it to the girl you used to be - the one who is still inside you somewhere. She needs you to help her to be strong now, okay? Please try.

RE: Please HELP

Tippy — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:58:39 GMT

xyz,

All I can tell you is to consider yourself lucky, no blessed. Please do not try and go back with this young man. He is deeply disturbed. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please do not ruin your life. You were not raised like that. Think of all the hurt and pain it would cause your parents, if this young man was to hit you an unlucky lick during the times he is abusing you. They could be minus a daughter.

You need to pull yourself together and thank God that he spared you from a life of only God knows what. Take your time and cry over him if you must, but get over him. Find yourself someone who will respect you and who will be there for you. This guy is a druggie, a rapist, a womanizer, a pervert, and an abuser. Tell me what woman in their right mind would want him. I know that you have more respect for yourself than that.

You need to get down on your knees tonight and thank God that he spared you from a life of bondage and misery. You need support, because I have a feeling that he will try and come back. What you really need to do is to talk to your parents about him, so that he and his mom can stop holding it over your head. What greater support can you have than your parents. I have a feeling that if he comes back and you do not take him back he may try something stupid. I don't want you to get hurt. He has already abused you and raped you.

If he does try to come back to you, please get a restraining order for your own good. I will be praying for you. Please, please, please, do not go back to him. Use the brains that God gave you.

Be Blessed

RE: Please HELP

jkgrandma — Wed, 20 May 2009 06:06:31 GMT

Sweetie, you were abused for years. It forced you into a love/hate relationship with this man and now that it has ended, you are experiencing an emotional letdown due to the sudden difference in your emotional equilibrium.

You are depressed (and angry, I suspect) and cannot imagine a way out of the hell you feel you're in. The problem is, you also cannot imagine anything other than the hell you have escaped.

I'm going to beat the same old drum and repeat myself - again. YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO A COUNSELOR. IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL EVER FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE!

In the meantime, I have shared your question with some of my Yedda friends. Perhaps one of them will have some advice for you that you will feel able to do.

Take care,

jkgrandma

P.S. Perhaps you should read the book '9 and 1/2 Weeks.' It is a true story about a relationship between a man and a woman; and reminds me very much of the relationship you describe - especially your feelings of the moment.

RE: Please HELP

Tippy — Wed, 20 May 2009 06:13:21 GMT

I read Grandma's comments. She gave you some good advice, please use it. Also please tell your parents. I know that it is hard but you need their support more than ever. They can support you getting the help that you need. This is a dangerous and unstable individual we are talking about. Please do not take any chances, I implore you.

If you need to talk to someone, we are here for you, but the important thing now is that you help yourself. Your parents will not hate you. You are their child. What would really be sad is if anything happened to you and they didn't know the story. I know that would just kill me to know that my daughter needed my help and I was not there to help her.

Please keep in contact and let us know how you are doing. I care for you.

Be Blessed

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 07:54:21 GMT

I think you are right. But, till the time I prepare myself to go & consult a counselor - I will start reading this book. Thankyou

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 08:03:36 GMT

Yes - I know that he is NOT right - but, what really pinches me is that my absence has not bothered him at all - He is chasing girls like a dog & worst, even those females dont mind getting with him.

Is he really that bad or was that behaviour reserved only for me ? Did I instigate him to behave the way he did with me ? If not - then why is he HAVING FUN ? And look at the kind of fun - getting touchy & physical with elder women & girls he's just known fr a couple of days, taking drugs with them & uploading such pics on his profile ! Does he not realize what he's getting himself into ?

Honestly, I dont think he will ever come back now - its going to be 2 months ever since I broke up with him, he hasn't even bothered to check if I'm dead or alive neither have I contacted him ( which I wont )- and the kind of fun he's having - why would he ever want to come back to me ? He has a major ego problem - He WONT come back. And to top it all - I have broken up - That's why he's behaving so FREE since he doesn't have to be on that guilt trip !!

I CANT & WONT get back with him.

Then - why is all this - these memories, those lies, what he's doing now - why is all of it pinching me SO MUCH ? How do I get over these feelings ? How do I block them out of my system ?

RE: Please HELP

Daniel — Wed, 20 May 2009 08:25:06 GMT

Hello,

Jkgrandma is right. You have with some detail explained and described several situations in which you are being dishonored in this relationship.....and you are being dishonored by the one person in your life that can do the most harm. You are doubtful of yourself. You have a "weak" opinion of yourself. This is where your difficulty lies. You put everything you believe that you are into this idea of a relationship with this individual who does not have the maturity and awareness to maintain an honorable, respectful relationship.

You are being brain washed. You believe that you are of little worth. You believe that he has a power over you because he raped you and stole your virginity. This is a violation against you my friend. That is one thing in itself, but you continue to violate yourself because you agree with his treatment of you. He is weak and needs to manipulate you in order to boost his ego and feel powerful. This "power" he feels he possesses is an illusion, however you give this illusion strength because you doubt yourself.

You have an opportunity to empower yourself and regain your integrity. Your honor and integrity are the most important ideas in the universe. These ideas are who you are. Within your integrity is personal power. This is also yours by natural right. You are the essence of All That Is and you must recognize your inner strength and learn that you have nothing to fear. You have been taught to fear....but that fear is based on illusions.

You are limiting yourself quite consciously. You absolutely must break free of these false limitations. I say these limitations are false because you implement their being and activity and put this on yourself. You do this because of fear and doubt....which is an illusion; but one that is very real while one caters to these beliefs of weakness and fear.

You are asking for help, and I commend you for this, but you must understand that part of you already knows what needs to be done. You do not need clarification. Honor yourself, do not question your ideals. Become a Warrior. This is a challenge for many, and that is becoming aware of the Warrior with. We are each Warriors, but we must learn to honor ourselves and walk with impeccability in relation to our ideals. This is how we become a Warrior. This is how we find our own Joy and inner Light.

Learn to love yourself as you would a small child. Treat yourself with kindness and protect your ideals. Love yourself my friend and you will find your own true strength and inner Light.

With Kind Regards,

Daniel

RE: Please HELP

virtualhost — Wed, 20 May 2009 08:29:21 GMT

You had a terrible experience with that man. First and foremost, pray and seek guidance and healing. As much as you’d hate letting your parents know about this, you cannot take away the fact that, “YOU NEED YOUR PARENTS!” In times of trouble like these, your parents should be the first people you should ever go to and confide with. Talk to your mom or dad. Before you tell them the whole details of your story, tell them first you need their understanding at this moment of your life. Tell them you need a friend at this point in time and tell them that they are the ones you consider as your real friends. Tell them how you feel and that you need their guidance. Start from the beginning of your story. Emphasize the point that you never gave your virginity up willingly, and that you were forced and threatened several times. This may hurt your parents and this would probably one of the scariest decisions you would make, but as soon as you get this out of your chest, you’ll feel very relieved. Don’ let this man scare you. Be tough and face your fears. There are people out there who have bigger problems than you do but they were able to face their fears and stand strong. We believe in you! You can do it! Top Web Hosting Companies - http://webhosting.top10reviews.info

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 09:00:14 GMT

Thankyou .

Yes - I know that he is NOT right - but, what really pinches me is that my absence has not bothered him at all - He is chasing girls like a dog & worst, even those females dont mind getting with him.
Is he really that bad or was that behaviour reserved only for me ? Did I instigate him to behave the way he did with me ? If not - then why is he HAVING FUN ? And look at the kind of fun - getting touchy & physical with elder women & girls he's just known fr a couple of days, taking drugs with them & uploading such pics on his profile ! Does he not realize what he's getting himself into ?
Honestly, I dont think he will ever come back now - its going to be 2 months ever since I broke up with him, he hasn't even bothered to check if I'm dead or alive neither have I contacted him ( which I wont )- and the kind of fun he's having - why would he ever want to come back to me ? He has a major ego problem - He WONT come back. And to top it all - I have broken up - That's why he's behaving so FREE since he doesn't have to be on that guilt trip !!
I CANT & WONT get back with him.
Then - why is all this - these memories, those lies, what he's doing now - why is all of it pinching me SO MUCH ? How do I get over these feelings ? How do I block them out of my system ?

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 09:03:44 GMT

Its hard.

I cant imagine telling all this to my parents.

But, I will try.

But I'm being honest - What if I cant ?

I really dont think I'd ever be able to.

RE: Please HELP

Daniel — Wed, 20 May 2009 09:38:04 GMT

Hello,

His manipulations and violations have had such an effect on you because you still question who you are. You have perhaps "broken" away from this relationship but you still have to rebuild your self honor and respect. This is why you question yourself. You may not realize that you are questioning yourself, but when you are made to feel a certain way because of someone else, it is because you doubt yourself....you question yourself.

This is your lesson and it doesn't matter if you're with someone or not. This is a lesson you must learn. This lesson rises above your parents or any other "outside" influence. This is about you, your integrity and your self honor. This is what you need to work on. Talk to yourself with Love and kindness. Talk to yourself like you are a Warrior. Learn to be proud of who you are. Learn to Love yourself. This does take practice.

This is the answer to your problem. This is actually the answer to many of our problems. No matter what the problem is, we will not be overcome by it because we know who we are and we honor and Love ourselves. This is where true strength comes from.

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 09:46:41 GMT

Thank you.

But - there is one thing I need to know ( if you could answer me ) :

What do you think of this guy ?

Do you think he remembers me ? Or has he forgotten ALL those times ?

Is he having fun for real or is he trying to convince himself he's fine by doing all this ( surrounding himself with women, adding ANYONE & EVERYONE to his friend list, talking to ANY & EVERY person whose phone no. he can get hold of, uploading pics of him getting touchy-touchy with half naked women - on his profile ) ?

Will he ever regret what has happened ? Will he ever try & contact me / try & fix all that went wrong between us ?

Or am I just thinking too hard ??

RE: Please HELP

Daniel — Wed, 20 May 2009 10:03:34 GMT

This is what I am trying to impress upon you. Forget what this dude thinks about you. What do you think about you? This is what you need to be concerned about. Even if somebody thinks good thoughts about you, it will make little difference for you unless you have a feeling of self worth.

What this dude thinks is immaterial. What you think is everything. Can you answer a question for me? Can you tell me, and make a list if need be, all the good things about yourself? Would you tell me why you are proud of yourself? And give me a list of these reasons okay? You cannot tell me what you don't want or don't like. Only the positive aspects of who you are. If you would, please think about this and write a list of all of these things.

This list is, of course, for your benefit....not mine. But by doing this you force yourself to change the way you think about yourself. This is what is most important.

Once again, forget about what this dude thinks. His opinions are worthless. Your opinions about yourself are everything.

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Wed, 20 May 2009 10:18:38 GMT

Will do.

Thankyou.

RE: Please HELP

Skitch — Wed, 20 May 2009 17:59:48 GMT

He never really loved you ~ that is why it is so very easy for him to move on with his life. You are better off, trust me. You need to start filling your time with constructive activities. The things you used to love to do before he entered your world and made you feel bad for enjoying them. Start reading, doing art projects, crafts, go back to school. Work on improving yourself. Fill your time with things that will help you grow stronger. The more time you have to sit and feel sorry for yourself and watch him behave like an ass, the worse you will feel. Start living again. And, you shouldl tell your parents everything. They will be your parents forever, and holding a secret like that from them is painful and destructive. You have nothing to be ashamed of. A virginity is given away. Yours was forcibly stolen. It is gone and can not be replaced. Get over it. It meant nothing to him. You can still wait for a wonderful man that will really love you to give your body to. You need to start talking about what happened to you to people you know, and not just strangers on the internet. We can do nothing to help you but to listen. It is time for positive action. If you sit there and feel bad because he is living, then he has won, and will continue to win until you stop feeling that you are less of a person. Find some life and live it to the fullest.

RE: Please HELP

Tippy — Wed, 20 May 2009 19:45:37 GMT

XyZ,

If it is hard for you to tell your parents, first talk to your mom. Tell her that you need her help. Let her know that you really need for her not to judge you or to get upset because this is a time that you really need for her and your dad to come through for you. You may not have the nerve to tell her the entire story like it happened so tell her that you have something for her to read. The story as you wrote it on this posting is very detailed. Give her a copy of this post and ask her to read it and please be supportive because you really need help.

I know they will come through for you, because they seem like they are terrific parents and they raised you the right way. You just wasn't prepared for what entered your life. You were too naive.

Be Blessed

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Thu, 21 May 2009 04:51:52 GMT

Thank you.

But - Its been 4 years - I do fluctuate every now & then no matter how much I try to keep myself occupied with books, crafts, movies & what not.

Do I feel sick inside just because I've been used to his presence all this while ?

Is he really an ' ass ' or did something in me force him to behave that way ? Because, if he really is an 'ass' , why is he surrounded by SO many females now ? Or is it just that he's found people like him who will add anyone & everyone to their friend list on FaceBook ?

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:03:42 GMT

They are terrific parents. But, I'm the stupid daughter - inspite of their warning, I got close to him. Its more like - I myself asked for all this to happen to me.

I cant do it now - they have too many problems of their own. But, I will. I will tell them all this. I cant do it now.

But ma'am - please answer me :

What do you think of this guy ?
Do you think he remembers me ? Or has he forgotten ALL those times ?
Is he having fun for real or is he trying to convince himself he's fine by doing all this ( surrounding himself with women, adding ANYONE & EVERYONE to his friend list, talking to ANY & EVERY person whose phone no. he can get hold of, uploading pics of him getting touchy-touchy with half naked women - on his profile ) ?
Will he ever regret what has happened ? Will he ever try & contact me / try & fix all that went wrong between us ?
Is he really that bad a person or did I behave in a manner that instigated him to behave that way with me ? Was that behaviour reserved only for me ? If not - then, why does he have SO MANY people around him right now ?
Or am I just thinking too hard ??

RE: Please HELP

jkgrandma — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:38:52 GMT

STOP analyzing who he is and why he behaves as he does.

He is a sick individual with no redeeming qualities. He is abusive. He is a drug user. He is emotionally stunted and physically violent. He is a rapist. He is immature. And too many more negatives to even mention.

You met him when you were a child. You had your childhood ripped away from you and were never given an opportunity to grow up and become your own person. But this man is not your parent and he is not your Svengali.

He cares nothing for you now and he cared nothing for you then. He does what he does - and with whom - because it pleases him, and he does it for himself only. He has no thoughts of you, and never did. He is not trying to replace you, he is only trying to make himself feel important instead of like the trash he truly is.

This man is a nightmare. Quit trying to turn him into your dream come true.

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:44:32 GMT

I think I needed this.

Thankyou :)

P.S. - If you were here, I'd give you a BIG hug.

RE: Please HELP

Tippy — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:09:41 GMT

XYZ,

I will be honest with you. He is a bad person. The only thing that you did for the past four years was to enable him. Drugs are not the only thing that a person can get addicted to. It seems like this young man is addicted to sex, drugs, and women and you my dear is addicted to him.

I can't help but see that everytime we tell you to get over him you always reply, will he ever come back to me to make things right; what about the other women; why are so many people around him; What about the naked pictures? This guy is bad news and you need to run as fast as you can.

Don't you know that the majority of those folks around him are into the same things that he is in to? The ones that are not into it, are naive just like you and he will soon use them and rape them and abuse them, just as he has done you. Like I said before, you need to thank God that you are free.

Forgive me for saying so, but you seem to have a very low self esteem. Do you not think that you can find someone better than him? There are plenty of young decent men out there. You can find someone else who will treat you like you are a lady. The reason you need help is because you don't want to let go. I am sorry but it appears that in some ways you miss that lifestyle. Is that how you want your life to be? What about your parents? Is this what you want for them after they have struggled to raise you in the right way? You seem to care about them, but tell me, who do you love more, them or him? Do you love yourself? You have a way of escape and you don't want to take it. It is just like opening a door for a prison inmate and telling him he is free to go but he sits back down on his bunk and will not move.

You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. It is up to you to choose which road you will take. This guy is dangerous. Will it take him almost killing you to move on? If you can't tell your parents, they will find out if he beats you half to death or you become strung out on drugs, or your picture gets passed around on the net like a slut. God forbid that you become pregnant and get stuck with this loser for the rest of your life.

You need to get yourself together and read back over these posts and see how you sound. People are offering you advice and all you care about is if he will come back and make things right. Get a grip on yourself and tell yourself I am better than this. You asked me earlier if I think he is a bad person, Yes he is, and the worst kind, because he has your mind all messed up. Until you get help, he can come back today or tomorrow and you will take him back. This guy is bad news for you and for everyone else. He does not love you. Can't you tell that? From the start of your relationship, he has never been faithful. He raped you and stripped away your honor. He beat you and made you bleed. He never gave up his freedom. He controlled you and your life for four long years. He continues to control you and all you can say is, if he will come back and make things right between the two of you.

You really need to get your mother involved or some level headed adult because you are not thinking logical at all. I am sorry if I was hard on you, but these are things you need to hear. You need help and you need it now. I know your parents may have problems but nothing is more important than their little girl and you need them now.

Be Blessed

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:18:18 GMT

Yes ma'am.

RE: Please HELP

jkgrandma — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:37:50 GMT

You're welcome, sweetie.

Now, you've been given a lot to think about on top of all you had to deal with. Do as Tippy suggests and read back over the advice you've received.

Then I want you to make that list you promised Daniel. After that, I want you to LOOK at those web sites I gave you.

No, no, no ... don't get nervous and start telling me you can't seek help from anyone; I've heard that song before and it carries no weight with me. It costs you nothing to LOOK and it cannot identify you, either.

You go and look and see if what you find out doesn't make some sense to you. If it doesn't, then you come back and tell me so I'll know to stop referring people there for help, okay?

Finally, you're going to start taking care of yourself one day at a time. When you get up tomorrow, I want you to think of one thing you can do that will make you happy for that day - and then I want you to do it.

It doesn't have to make sense to anybody but you. If you think about it and the thing that will make you happy is to eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast, then I want you to give yourself permission to do it - and then enjoy it, without worrying about the what if's. And after you think of the one thing (and do it), then I want you to remember how that felt.

Felt good, didn't it?

There. That's your homework assignment every day for the next 10 days. I'll expect a brief report at the end of the ten days, letting us all know how you're doing.

Meanwhile, here's a hug back for you.

(((((((HUG)))))))

Take care,

jkgrandma

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Thu, 21 May 2009 07:21:46 GMT

Okay - I decided that the minute I start fluctuating - thinking about him - I will go through all this again - so, I'd put my head back in its place.

I saw those websites today morn - Been thinking about them. Some people can be SO evil & I dealt with one of them. For the time being - I am preparing to tell my parents - I dont know when - But, I'm trying to.

I just danced - a little ( after closing my room's door ). I hadn't done that in years - I just used to listen to music ! And it FELT GOOD.

Thankyou

RE: Please HELP

s0f4da1 — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:03:45 GMT

Im not exactly sure what your question is....unless its that your looking for confirmation that "he hasnt forgotton you". Which by the way..... why the hell do you even care ?? For him to walk away and forget about you may just be the only way you will move on.....and thats exactly what you need to do with yourself. The fact that you even wasted that much time on him is sad. You can never get that time back. Everyone has a 1st.....yes,everyone. It is not the same experience for evreyone but yours is unique all on its own. Keep that memory and move on.

The bottom line is.....dont walk away, RUN.

RE: Please HELP

jkgrandma — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:16:46 GMT

Rape is an act of violence.

So I say, if your 'first' is a result of rape then you may no longer technically be a virgin; but it was NOT your 'first.'

Your 'first' time is always by CHOICE, with someone you love or care for; it is NEVER by rape.

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Fri, 22 May 2009 07:47:25 GMT

Thank you.

RE: Please HELP

XyzPqr — Fri, 22 May 2009 07:48:47 GMT

Will do.

Thank you.

RE: Please HELP

yvonne — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:39:19 GMT

I have found you out, you are really a thirteen year old little girl using her sisters account right? If not please seek professional help before you end up married to an user, abuser, nothing that will take you so far down with him that your own mother wont recognise yoou. You surely know that the dirt beneth your feet deserves to be treated better than what you have described, as for your friends avoiding you, all I can say is what in the world do you reazlly expect????? FDig up your selfesteem that he obviously stomped into the ground so far you might need a backhoe to dig it up with, regardless dig it up, wash it thruly wash to remove any stentch he might have left on it, and surround yourself with good people who have something to offer you as well as giving them something you have which is loyalty to a fault, try toning that down a bit ok? But for the people who deserve your loyalty will see all the other things you have to offer, no not money, usually with loyalty other personality traits like trust honor good morals, and yes eventually love should all be in your future, how about doing yourself a favor forget the last four miserable years of your life, evualate the people around you, and yourself, and your will probably be amazed at how many truly good people are in your life. Or should we call them friends, quit cutting yourself off from the rest of the world for any reason, if someone asks you to do that ask yourself is this person really my friend? I think you will find the answer is NO. There are wolves in the world that is why you want to run with a pack of lambs, wolves dont like packs harder to take advantage of you if your surrounded with good friends. Hope I have helped to open your eyes, if not please seek professional help and if you trust no one else remember yoour parents love you and so does jesus. His pack of lambs usually run in a pack every sunday on approximately every block, god bless you. You seem to be very lost and looking and wanting someone to punish you, how about just asking for forgiveness from whomever you think you wronged, I guarantee you it was not this fool you have given the last four years of your precious life to. Good luck and you are worthly of love I guarantee it!!!!!!