Marriage in need of help!!

Lenabug — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 21:30:37 GMT

My husband has never been in a long term relationship the time range for him was between 3 to 4 months before we got married. We have two children together and have been married for five yrs.Our marriage hasn't always been a bed of roses but it is ours. Always the good has out weighed the bad we sat and talked about the changes we wanted in our marriage and started them. My husband got to the point that he would call me 7 to 8 times a day and was in the house every night by 10. Things were turning around for us not only did I see it I also felt it within and we were on the right path until out of the blue he up and leaves on a Friday night. He still talks about the things we are going to do and he still calls me baby when he speaks to me. To be honest he couldn't look at me and tell me that or give me a reason for leaving us the way he did. He has never tried to see the positive side of any obstacle we've faced its the negative and the assuming taking things in his own hands instead of talking to me about it. I feel that my husband is at the point that he doesn't know what he wants. I have stood by him and been there for him through everything hes faced since the beginning and I take my marriage vows SERIOUS because I took them before God. This may sound weird but I can tell that deep within he still loves b/c of the way he acts around me and the body language. He has finally left the girl alone cause she went back to her moms. For the ifrst time he gave me his cell phone number and he texts me from time to time. To make things ironic he doesn't care for me but at the same time he texts me compliments and askes his mom everytime he sees her how we are, if she has talked to us, and at family gatherings he wants to know if we are coming. He's staying with his cousin now and we go see him from time to time.How do I deal with this when I want nothing more than to have him back with us as a family and my marriage on the right track?

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

talico33 — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 11:34:29 GMT

Hi Lenabug,

It sounds to me that your husband really is confused and doesn't know what he wants. That being said, it does not excuse his behaviour and what he has done to you and your children by walking out. It's especially not right of him to still be calling you baby and talking about what you are going to do in the future and then be living with some other girl who he hardly knows. You and your children deserve much better than that. Your husband needs to make a decision and choose one or the other. And if he chooses you and your children, then you need to make sure that he proves to you that you deserve to take him back.

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

lawbug — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 17:06:32 GMT

You have about as good of chance of getting him back as a snow ball in 100 degree tepms out side. As things go in this case is he worth it as if he has done it once he will do it again. As i understand it you want to be the second wife or girlfriend in this matter yes your children do make a difference in the fact. But as it remains you will always be a second in this. Why not think better of your self and forget about him move on down the road start over leave the rubbish behind you as there are men out there looking for a person like you. As a good women and a good man are hard to find but look around find one who loves you for who you are and the kind careing person you are and loveing as they are hard to find. But take out the trash forget it start over run as fast as you can get away from this as you deserve better than this. Thak my advice it will never change as it never does as much as you hope to change it. Where is the trust gone and it seems to be a one sideded marrage as the marrage vowes mean nothing to him.Think long and think seriousley about it is this his child as you think or is it what he tells you.

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

Equus — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 18:38:42 GMT

Thumb Up Lawbug , AMEN !

Lenabug , If your husband really loved you he'd be living with you and his children . Not a 19 year old whom I believe is his Mistress and also believe the baby is his , hence the reason he can't look at you . Why on earth do not want a man who doesn't love and respect you . Your partner should never be the source of your pain . He's already left your marriage with his willful choice to committ adultery , it is time that you think about your children . This is a horrible example for your children of what a loving relationship between a man and a woman is suppose to be . I firmly believe this man is full of lies and deceit he is committing the Ultimate Betrayal. Hold him finacially accountable for his children with you and move on with your life . There are to many honest good faithful men in this world for a woman to accept a man who offers anything less . Along with the possibility of supporting a child from his mistress . Kick this guy to the curb , he's not worth his salt , you and your children deserve better than this man . I wish you and your children the best .

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

leo88 — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:13:32 GMT

Your commitment to your marriage is very admirable. I too am married & those vows before God are very important to me. It does sound like your husband is confused & perhaps he doesn't know what he wants right now. But consider your own situation for a moment. If he doesn't know this other woman very well, & she's pregnant w/another man's child, then she's sleeping around maybe w/several men. You MUST consider your own health for the sake of your children. There are serious diseases now that will kill you from having sex w/the wrong person. It just takes once. Is your husband using protection w/this woman? I doubt it because she is already pregnant. If you take him back you MUST make sure he gets tested for STDs. You have children that depend on you for their well being. If you are determined to keep your husband in your life after the way he is treating you then at least protect yourself. I understand your marriage is important to you, but you should have love & respect for yourself. I hope you can work things out w/him if that's truly what you believe is best but if he has started sleeping around he most likely will continue as long as you let him, if not w/this woman then w/the next one that catches his eye unless he goes through therapy & seriously wants to save your marriage & be completly faithful to you. Besides the heartache of knowing he is w/another woman, you have your health to think about. It's all about self-respect & protecting yourself & your children. Please be careful & protect yourself. No marriage-No man is worth dying for & leaving your children w/out a mother. I know this sounds harsh but it is reality. I wish you the best & God Bless.

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

So On and So On — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:09:29 GMT

Seems to me He's an opportunist.Control Yourself when You around Him see Him for what He is. I understands how it feels but sometime we have to let go.

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

lanajhingle — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 08:17:40 GMT

Dear Lenabug,

You can not control other people, you can only control your own thoughts and actions. There are several levels of intimacy, physical being one of the early levels. Your husband seems to be stuck in adolescence. Deep down he knows this immature relationship will not last, that is why he keeps his clothes at your home. You are his default girl. You are not helping him to grow up by making excuses and allowing him to run home every time life disappoints him. Only if he matures will you be able to have the caring stable home you are yearning for. Focus on your own development and improvement. One day you may look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. It happens all the time.

Lana

http://beamilliondollarwoman.com

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

John — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:52:55 GMT

I am going through a divorce that I didn't want and have been a stay-at-home father for five yrs. I put my situation in the Lords hands, and rededicated my life to him. It's not saving my marriage, but it's saving me!! It's allowing me to cope with the heart-ache, and pain of being told by her that, "I don't love you anymore." Sometimes it best to pray, and put it in Gods hands.

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

Asha — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 04:43:24 GMT

Hi Lenabug. This guy sounds like sooo many others! Immature, stupid, irresponsible... etc... etc... blah, blah, blah. It's as plain as the nose on most women's faces, the creep wants his cake and to eat it too.

The worst thing we can do to ourselves and our innocent children is to make excuses for these derelicts. They need to be single... kept as occasional, very distant company to our kids.

Apparently this is a sensitive subject for me. I just can't believe all the crap we put up with from men! All the things we tollerate that we wouldn't even tollerate from our best friend or blood-related family members! And for what? "Wedding Vows"? The cold hard fact is that he took them too.. this was a Marriage you both agreed to enter into. How does he get your permission to back out on you, screw you over and degenerate your family, but you have to hold on?..... You don't, and you shouldn't!

I don't know what kind of a person you are, but I'd like to say it's too bad we women don't have Mob connections!

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

Renee — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:40:02 GMT

id divorce him hes not coming back anytime soon hes going through his changes when we go through our changes we get hot flashes when some men go through them they go after pregnant 19 yr old girls go figure

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

Shannonr1179 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:07:41 GMT

Ok i'm a little confused apparently a few people here have inside information that is mentioned in question 1 or 2.

Lenabug I'm sorry your dealing with this heart ache. I've been through a divorce but i'm w/o children. I am not a man hater as many people on here seem to be. I believe every man and woman makes there mistakes and every marriage has its trials. But I also know that one person can not make a marriage work it takes both sides.

If i understand correctly from your post and a few extra comments Your husband up and left and WAS living with another woman with a baby on the way. #1 is the baby his? Logically thinking I think he thinks there is a possibility. You say she has moved back home with her mother. He is living with a cousin. # 2 Are You and the children still living in your home? Who supports your family finacially. Is he helping you pay the bills or do you pay most of the bills? just guessing but if you are paying the bills i assume you paid most everything to begin with maybe even supporting him. that is just an assumption if it doesn't fit then you can ignore this. If you are supporting him and he still wants to run off cause he doent know what he wants the you should run now while you have the opportunity. If this isn't the case and he does hold a stable job and is just confused then maybe.. #3. What do you fight about mostly? Do you just bicker over small things or is it serious issues constantly. bickering over small things can be changed. you should always choose your fights wisely. There isn't any reason to nag and fume over stupid things that don't amount to anything. Don't fight in the bed room. I know you want to avoid an argument in front of the children CORRECT but the bed room should be your sancuatary for the both of you. #4. He has to want to come home before you can get him back. I'm not saying that he won't ever come back but if you are at his footsteps waiting and begging him to come home it only prolongs your suffering. Dry up your tears clean yourself up and spend you time staying busy take the children out to a movie the zoo ect. WITH OUT HIM. I know you said that he ask his mother about you wants to know if your coming to family functions well its very likely that his mother is pushing him to do the right thing and go home to his family. Don't take her word as a FALSE hope. Unless he is directly calling and asking you How you are then you shouldn't be counting this as if he truely wants to know. The best thing you can do is make some distance between you don't always be available to him. Let him feel as if he is about to loose you. Your fed up, your not crying, your not begging, your not chasing him down, You CAN and ARE Living Breathing Functioning With OUT him. Men need to be needed If you don't need him HE SEES PROBLEM. If you don't need him then YOU Will be fine If he doesnt' come home or even better if he does.

Just out of curiostiy you don't have to answer this just think about it to yourself. How old where you when you married did you become pregnant before you were married. If yes, (im thinking this because of his short relationship history) maybe he just needs to feel as if he chooses to be with you instead of being obligated to do the right thing. again if this doesn't fit just ignore it.

Ok If he comes back and this baby is his what then YOu should know your answer to this before you allow him to come back. It sounds as if your relationship has some serious issues. Your marriage can survive all of these but you need to really decide if it is worth saving. Remember you can't do it alone it takes both of your. If he has bailed out time after time its likely he will bail out again. If this is just a rare accurance then you might have a chance.

Pray hard about it but pray its God's will and not yours, He committed adultry witch gives you grounds for divorce in the eyes of God but It isn't an unforgivable sin.

Good luck to you as i said before there was alot of information i pick up through others answers that i didn't find in your questions I'm sorry if some of this information is false...

RE: Marriage in need of help!!

Rob — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 12:58:37 GMT

Some things are unclear from your question. Particularly bothersome are the 2 contradictory statements:

1. he still loves (me) b/c of the way he acts around me and the body language.

2. To make things ironic he doesn't care for me but at the same time he texts me compliments and askes his mom everytime he sees her how we are, if she has talked to us, and at family gatherings he wants to know if we are coming. He's staying with his cousin now and we go see him from time to time.

===============

I, for one, am not going to jump at a chance to tell someone to leave a husband WHEN THE TWO OF YOU HAVE 2 YOUNG CHILDREN like there is nothing to it!

So, I am going against the tide above on this one.

We don't have enough information to tell you to make your children grow up as a product of a divorce and we have no idea if or how you can take care of them and how well he helps you and them out now.

You say you and the kids visit him, so somebody likes him, and must be the kids are safe and don't have a problem visiting him. And you said (#1 above) he still loves you and that he always asks about you and shows interest in that way.

Point is this: Sounds like he has been a stupid jerk. Some men do that. I am not saying it was right. But ... do you still love him; you say he loves you. Is he a good father; does he treat the 2 young children that you and he brought into this world well? I did not hear that he has alcohol or drug problems from you? I did not hear that he ever physically abused you; I don't think you indicated he verbally abused you either? You did not say he does not work; is he employed and a good worker and did he support the family well before he went off the deep end with some gal (that he has now dumped or she dumped him)?

I don't think we know enough to just tell you to throw away the family and divorce him IF ... if ... you love him, know he loves you and he is a good father and good provider and you have 2 young children with him. People do make mistakes; and he certainly did! Maybe he KNOWS THAT NOW; maybe he can admit his mistake and do right going forward? Do you have any idea about that?

Sometimes we can "cut off our own nose, to spite our face" as the saying goes. That's not good. There are plenty or reported cases on marriages salvaged after adultery where the couples say the marriage was BETTER than ever afterwards with counseling and corrective plans and behaviors.

My Suggestion for you to At Least Consider: If you know he is through with that other girl and regrets it, the two of you should go to marriage counseling and share ALL THE FACTS and ALL THE CONSIDERATIONS with a PROFESSIONAL who can spend some hours with you to get ALL THE FACTS ... and who can help YOU sort out whether there might be a salvageable marriage after what he did and DEPENDING ON: 1. His attitude and promises going forward and 2. how you feel after hearing that with the help of a PROFESSIONAL who can help you evaluate him, his promises, your situation and what is best for you. A good counselor will NOT tell you to go back to the marriage if they see, after talking to him and hearing ALL the facts, that he is obviously going to repeat bad behavior and does not see a bona fide promise to clean up his behavior, and then the counselor can keep seeing both of you to monitor how he is doing for a period of time and providing tips, some plans and feedback on how to get past the bad behavior and how to TRY TO PRESERVE a "FAMILY UNIT WITH 2 SMALL CHILDREN: where you say you feel he still loves you.

If you think I am wrong or overlooking something, please come back and post why (and I will respond further and reconsider my advice if it is called for).

If a family can be saved and you can be happy with him and he can treat you right going forward, that would be worth trying in my opinion.

I hope things work out for you and your children

ROB