Parental struggles

Vic — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:56:52 GMT

Help! I am Tired. Tired of trying to motivate my 19 yr old son to complete uni. or learn a trade or get a full time job. Life sucks!!!!!! I treated my daughter ( Now 27 ) with too much discipline as a "Staunch Evangelical Christian Father" when she was younger and lost my authority and now she "avoids" Christianity. So for my son I tried to be a " GraceFull" father and brought him up TOO nicely!!! Always there for him, supportive, time together, talks etc. He has been deligent at school until his 2nd year at Uni. Spend 13 hrs or so on the CURSED computer into Internet Games. !!!

Now he quit uni saying it is boring!!! Refused to see a councilor. It's hard. Hard to be a good father! Hard on them they curse you. Nice to them they take advantage of you!!!! WHERE IS GOD!!!!! I PRAY EVERYDAY!!! i READ PROVERBS IT SCARES ME!!!! I AM DESPERATE!!!!!

RE: Parental struggles

marie — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:29:50 GMT

i do not understand why you feel that you need to motivate your son. you are the problem and you hold the solution. give him 30 days to leave your house and accept no excuses. let him live his life the way he wants, just not under your roof. second stop blaming god for the conscious choices you make. if you find this advice offensive, that only means that it can only be the truth. the truth in reality can hurt.

RE: Parental struggles

cteal — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 15:33:27 GMT

I, too have a son, actually 2 sons who are having a hard time finding their way in life. They are 22 and 19. The older attended a very reputed trade school and it has been nearly a year since he finished. To this day he has found no job worthy of repaying his school loan. He has a part time job (locally) which gives him cash for spending, he helps out minimally with expenses (buys milk or such when we need it). I (and his father) do not ride him about these issues as I see it doing him nor us any good. Our other son graduated high school last year and worked with a friend for extra cash. I don't hound him either as I feel he, and his brother are both aware of the situation and once again, nagging will only drive him to do something he may not be prepared to do, or worse drive him into a worse situation.

Life is not easy for anyone. Certainly not we as parents. We all have dreams for our children that may or not come to life. The current economy is making it more difficult for young people to make their own way and I as a parent feel it is important to be supportive and stick by our children side. The one thing I would not like to see is my relationship to turn sour due to things I have little control over. Another thing is that I will never turn my back on my kids. I do make them aware of our struggle as parents in maintaining a household. I do make them accountable for their roll in living within our home. Even if that includes, but not limit to conserving utilities, eating mindlessly, etc..

At 19 I feel a young man is about to make changes in his life that could and may carry him through to becoming a responsible adult. If that means moving away for an apprenticeship program or joining the Air Force as he is considering. Either way, I know he is young and perhaps not quite ready to leave the securities of his parents. This is okay by me and his father.

Your son seems to be stuck in a rut of sorts. Perhaps it might be necessary for you to sit and talk with him about his plans and aspirations. I find a nice car ride an ideal place as they cannot just walk off on you. Is he a genuine good kid? Has he gotten into any trouble in the past? I've always been very ralisticc with my kids about what the "could have's" of life there are. This includes getting girls pregnent and how it not only brings a child into an uncertain world, but makes for a life you would not wish for yourself. These things I consider, as my children are good and know and behave in a manner that makes me prideful. We have always made them work for the things they want like a car. Both were given a car, but not one road worthy. They like classic cars and had to restore their cars before they were drivable. It was hard work for them and although we supplied them with the items they needed, they had to work very hard to make them work, or they had no car. They learned a lot, from patience to skills acquired. They found all the information they needed was available to them via the internet. It made them realize they can do anything they put their mind to.

Perhaps you need to disable the video games. That would be my edge as to a way to get your son motivated. Tell him he needs to earn his way to free time around the house. After a while he might think it easier to find a job and work for someone else. They learn alot in that fashion. Don't give him money to go out and have fun. He will have to learn that fun money is no longer a hand out when you become an adult, which is what he is wanting to become. Even if he doesn't display that attitude, deep down it is what he wants.( and we want as parents)

As for you daughter, she may need to find God on her own. You have dictated to her who He is but now she needs to find Him on her own. Keep an open mind about it. I have a brother who does not believe in the same God as I but does not make him a bad person. He just answers to another higher authority, not the same as mine or yours. Spirituality is a deep subject and runs deep in the subconscious part of one's soul. Let her be. As long as she is not a train wreck, she will find her way.

As for you; quit holding God accountable for your actions or the actions of your children. We are all responsible for what and how we think or do things. God will intervene where He finds a need.

Being nice to your kids is not necessarily being Godly or even good parenting. Being supportive and giving sound guidance is. Try reacessing your own convictions. Ask yourself why it is important to you that your children make life decisions before they are ready. Take the approach to stear your son towards wanting to make sound decisions on his own. You will find you do more good then if think you can push him in that direction.

RE: Parental struggles

lookin4 — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 00:29:59 GMT

Parenting with Love and Logic is a wonderful book for someone in your situation. If you're not big into reading, check out their website: www.loveandlogic.com for some great articles.

If possible, find someone teaching the class in your area. Love and Logic parenting made a huge difference and I learned a lot about parenting my adult children. Our role as parents was to prepare our children for the "real" world they would enter when they left home. Love and Logic helped me know how to get my kids to accept responsibility for their actions, and it helped me learn to let go of things that were not my responsibility. Give it a try and good luck.

RE: Parental struggles

DB Lady — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 01:00:19 GMT

Hi, Your son has to move out and learn life the hard way. If a son would curse me as a parent, he would be out of the house on his own.

RE: Parental struggles

Linda — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:20:11 GMT

Vic, you can only do so much. It always comes to a point where you have to let go of your kid, cross your fingers and hope for the best.

RE: Parental struggles

Johnsonabigail — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:01:26 GMT

I understand how you feel... but don't give up on him.. just pray hard and sooner or later he'll be fine and realize everything about that's happened.