Is His Partner Cheating? Does He Confront Her?

Monty — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:12:00 GMT

Recently my friend told me his situation and asked me for my advice. I struggled to give him any that would have been impartial. The story goes like this.

Two months ago his partner of seven years moved out of their flat with no warning giving what he considers to be an unsatisfactory explanation. Despite having ALL the housework done for her and he never expresses any kind of disatisfaction whenever she wants to go out or spend however much she liked she said she felt smothered. Despite a mutual love for their dogs, cooking, music, travelling, golf and more she said they had nothing in common. Three weeks prior to her moving out they were happy going out together and at home. He had no idea until this was dropped on him out of the blue one evening. It has since transpired that her friends new way before he did. They have talked about it recently and she has told him that she wants a life with him, she loves him more than anything and that she just needs space and they should go to counselling. (Considering the rest of this story if this is untrue it is an unspeakablly cruel thing to say). Incidentally the flat she has moved into is only a six minute walk from his place! Whilst on holiday last month she asked him to charge her mobile phone. When he did there was a text message on it sent from her to another man thanking them for dinner two nights before they left for their holiday and inviting him back to her flat for dinner on her return from holiday. The number she sent the message to is not stored in her phones' contact list therefore revealing no name. However she called the person she sent it to by name in the text. Two days ago whilst my friend and his partner were together she received a phone call from the same number to which she had sent the text message and ignored the call saying she did not know the number that was calling. Yeterday she sent a message to the same number she claimed not to know saying she was sorry she had missed the call but she was with the man and couldn't talk. My friend knows he should not have looked at her phone (given his situation I think I would cut him some slack on that) but his gut feeling is that he is not being told everything (I tend to agree) and his need to get to the bottom of this took over. Additionally he said to me that there is no phone conversation that he cannot have in front of her and there is nothing on his phone, computer or in his diary that he would not want her to see. Knowing him as I do I absolutely believe that. THE QUESTIONS. Does he confront her? If so how without letting her know he has seen her phone? Is she cheating? As he quite rightly says, unless they are both 100% honest at the counselling all that will be achieved by the counselling is a vast waste of money and time and more pain.

RE: Is His Partner Cheating? Does He Confront Her?

gary999 — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:36:58 GMT

When I read the following comments I know there's a message being sent;

"Two months ago his partner of seven years moved out of their flat with no warning she said she felt smothered."

"she said they had nothing in common."

"she just needs space"

"there was a text message on it sent from her to another man ...inviting him back to her flat".

it's apparent to me that she has moved on and that counselling would be a waste. It's difficult for most people to end a relationship gracefully so they try to have it both ways to ease the pain, which always makes things worse in the end. It doesn't sound to me as if he needs to get to the bottom of this, she already has.

I would advise him to let her go and move on. If she feels differently ,she will not allow that to happen but if she does agree to move on he'll know the answer.

RE: Is His Partner Cheating? Does He Confront Her?

tre1129 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 07:18:56 GMT

Monty, I have to agree with Gary in terms of her having moved on. She moved out; she made the decision, clearly on her own, that this relationship was over.

Now, I read your comment to Gary about your friend telling this woman she's free to go and her panicking and coming back to him. In this case, I think your friend needs to be more realistic. The woman moved out of a shared flat. Even if she panicks now and says she still wants to be with your friend, her behavior says otherwise. So counseling at this point is a real waste of money, as your friend's girlfriend is not interested in mending whatever is broken in their relationship. Her behavior/text messages to this other guy are a testament to that. I think your friend needs to cut his losses and move on. Otherwise, he will continue to invest in this "relationship" all the while not really knowing if she's continued the lying and sneaking around his back (and what kind of relationship can that really be?). Your friend sounds like a good guy. We need more of him around. I hope he realizes he deserves someone who will treat him with respect, be completely honest with him, and appreciate all he has to offer. This woman is clearly not the one.

RE: Is His Partner Cheating? Does He Confront Her?

bonestructure — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:56:20 GMT

It's over. He needs to just let it go. It doesn't matter if he loves her. It doesn't matter if he misses her. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. Frankly, while I'm not a macho idiot, I think your friend did too much for her, was too passive, not enough a man. Women don't want a bully or an abuser or some crap like that, but they also don't want a guy that's more a wife than a husband. They want a man, with all the things a good man brings to a relationship, things which are different than those a woman brings in. She didn't find what she was looking for in him, and moved on. He needs to move on as well, and find a woman who appreciates him for what he has to offer. You can't change people. You have to find one that fits to start with. Get what you want, don't settle for what you can get.