I have a dilemma.... maybe some thoughts on this ...

Mr Underestimated — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 03:58:42 GMT

I have a dilemma.... maybe some thoughts on this will be of help.

First, I'm 46 years old. I'm not a kid....

I've been in a very long term relationship of over 20 years.... no, i'm not married but we have lived together for the past 19 years.

Although, we never had any children of our own..... I did indeed raise and provided a very stable home for my "step daughter" whom is now 27 and on her own for 8 years and i'm quite proud of her accomplishments. My "other half's" daughter turned out to be a very well adjusted adult.

I am a medical professional...... earn a decent wage.... own a home... etc.

My "other half" is a housekeeper..... and that has never bothered me.... and never was a issue. I don't care about what a person does for a living... or how far of an education that my "other half" has. It was never an issue.

From the start, my "other half's" family was somewhat a problem.

Constantly.... at one point, early on. An argumentative family with much discord, They tried everything in the book to cause our relationship to fail. From name calling to rumors and the like about me.... to literally fighting with my "other half" about seeing me. I never gave them any reason of any sorts to dislike me at all. I was always kind... respectful... and tried to befriend them. As they say, "Love Is Blind"... It wasn't until 3 years after the start of our relationship that my "other half's" father passed away and after her and I moved some 2,300 miles away together and 4 years later did the nonsense start again. Her mother moved to our state and in with her and I (against my better judgement) did she start causing problems in our relationship again. After a period a 3 years... and a big deal did her mother move out into her own place... which is what i ended up telling her that she HAD to do!

Her problematic brother, has also moved into and out of our house a couple of times... is also a troublemaker, doing everything from creating friction in our house between us... to creating problems with our neighbors by starting arguments with them. For the past 3 years, he's been living in our house again due to a job loss.... which he's now employed..... but makes no attempts to move into his own place and he's now 44.

He's unable to keep his own relationships.

K. and I got along fine for a number of years with the exception of when her family is around. Now, our sex life is nil..... and we seldom do anything together.... she's always "too tired"....
We argue alot now about petty things.... and some things which are significant. I have taken up some hobbies and activities to fill voids.... and to keep busy when i'm not at work and at home.

The brother makes remarks about my hobbies and just this evening criticized my recently joining as an Auxiliarist with The Coast Guard as being "dumb" and laughing at my activities and belittling my volunteer work... my employed work and whatever else that i do.

K. never sides with me.... defends me... or otherwise and it appears that her and her brother have "conversations" while i'm not home.... to criticize me or put me down. I've caught them doing this.

I could go one for literally hours of just some of the things i've tolerated but "i'd be writing a book" that would speak volumes!

My question?

How much more should I take and what should I do?

I've already tried to tell her that this is not acceptable and want him to get a life of his own and to move out... but she keeps making excuses for her brother and her family all the while always reminding me on the defensive how much she dislikes my family! (They've NEVER lived with us nor tried to cause any drama... although they really don't care much for her... they always are respectful to her because of me!) I have a brother who is 60 and suffers from diagnosed illness in which she makes fun of!

I'm at wits end!

Any suggestions?

RE: I have a dilemma.... maybe some thoughts on this ...

Tippy — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:13:27 GMT

mr. underestimated,

First things first, get rid of the brother. Give him his 30 day notice and follow up with an eviction. Second you and K. need to sit down and talk and you need to tell her the same things you are telling us about how you feel. If she feels that she has to go with her brother, then let her. It seems like she has been living for her family and herself and leaving you on the outside looking in. It is time to put your foot down. A man should never have to be disrespected in his own home.

I don't know all of the details only your side of the story. I do know, that it is a bad thing to have family members living with you, because that causes problems by itself.

You need to know if she is happy in the relationship and do she want to continue. If she is not happy, let her go, because it will only cause more heartache down the road. If she is happy to continue with you, the two of you need to communicate and find out what went wrong.

The important thing is that you be a man in your own home.

Be Blessed and good luck.

RE: I have a dilemma.... maybe some thoughts on this ...

ehbernardin — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:19:40 GMT

The best advice that anyone can give you was given years ago by Ann Landers. Ask yourself the question: am I better or with her or better off without her. If your answer is "without her", make a clean break and get on with your life. Best wishes and God bless.

RE: I have a dilemma.... maybe some thoughts on this ...

OronD — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 07:39:06 GMT

Hi,
Tippy gave you ans excellent answer (thumb up). I would like to add. It's a delicate matter and please let me be direct (I don't sugarcoat my words):
1. Get rid of that brother. His real name is "Troubles",
2. If you think that your "wife" loves you and wants to
     create normal loving relations with you do you (both)
     should go for marriage conseling.
3. "Nil sex" has reasons. You have to find out the real
      reason ! (there are many options). Be smart and
      sensetive and find out (emphasise on the word "real").
4. "Nil sex" is very friquently an indication to poor / bad
      relations. If your relations are poor / bad do you know
      why did it deteriorated to that ? Can you fix it ? (by
      yourself or with a proffesional aid).
5.   Why are her relations with your family so bumpy ?
6.   Would you consider going out of this relation ? why ?
7.   Any good relations are based on 4 pillars: Trust +
      Openess + communications + respect. Wich of them
      is your relation lacking ?
8.   I read your notes carefully and I feel you deserver MUCH
      MUCH MUCH more that what you get.
Best regards,

RE: I have a dilemma.... maybe some thoughts on this ...

tcurious0111 — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 05:10:48 GMT

Tippy and OronD said it all!