Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

Maine Man — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:02:23 GMT

I'm really impressed with the sincerity of the conversations and hoping to gain insight and peace from your answers. This is my first post.

Here's the question: I'm a remarried dad and have been through therapy for communication issues that hindered my first marriage. I take ownership in my shortcomings and have worked to overcome them. I have a strong relationship with my daughter and a friendly/effective working relationship with my ex. I see my daughter on a regular basis.

I never thought I'd be this remorseful and sad about the gaps in time with my daughter and I dream about it being different. In fact, I'm often haunted with thoughts of "what if" and it disturbs me to think that this will continue for years to come. I'm hoping I can gain insight from others who have been there to share with me the positive sides of a relationship with my daughter in the years to come. I'm and desperately seeking comments and feedback from those who have been there - even if its to share. I want to stay positive and want to reinforce the positivity of my relationships - even though it haunts me dearly.

RE: Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

OronD — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Hi,
There is one very important thing that you have to remember: The relations with your daughter are dynamic and change very much with her age..... For that reason you'll have ups and downs..... be smart to overcome the downs and take advantage of the "ups"..... I know several parents whose relations with their children were on the brinks of real crises (specially when they were teenagers) and later became the best of relatios.... Perhapes you are now in one of those downs, not necessarily due to the divorce, give her endless love and care and hope for good / better days (the "ups").
Best regards,

RE: Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

DB Lady — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 17:43:25 GMT

Hi,

My friend OronD gave you an excellent answer, as always, gave him 2 thumbs up.

Divorce is very bad for everyone concerned especialy the children. What you're feeling is normal. You have the guilt and at the same time you wish you could be with your child always. My advice to you is to accept this reality. Just enjoy the times that you spend with your child, let him or her know that you will be around if she or he needs you. If your child is less than 18, then you need more time with the child. After that age, they develop more friendships and their attention and focus is on other people. So please don't punish yourself by blaming yourself. Move on with your life and at the same time be available to your child just in case she/he needs you.

If you have found a new woman to love, just be sure that she is comfortable with you having this responsibility. She should accept you and your child as a package.

Take care and I hope all will turn out OK for you.

RE: Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

coachpauline — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 01:53:30 GMT

I know you wanted feed-back from other parents, and I dont have kids but I was very moved by your dilemma and it reminded me of something that I read in the book "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck. It was an example of a parent agonizing over whether to let a teenage daughter stay out late or not. His answer was that the decisions we make in each instance are not nearly as important as the fact that we agonize over our decisions. The fact that you want so much to be a good father, and be with your daughter is what counts. It is the thing that will impart self esteem and self love to her. You don't always have to make the "right " decision. What matters and what makes some one a good parent is that they do their best and that their kids know it is their best. you could still be married, living with your wife and daughter and paying no attention to her or your parenting. Then you would have plenty to feel guilty about.

RE: Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

coachpauline — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 01:53:43 GMT

RE: Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

purefaith — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:50:25 GMT

MM, I am going to try to be kind here but if I am at all off where your circumstance is concerned, that is not my intent. I do not know why you are feeling remorseful and sad if you have such a good, solid relationship with your daughter. Could it be that the real root of this is that you are looking back and regretting that you did not do the things you are doing to secure your second marriage to try to save your first? That is not to say that you do not love your current wife, only that you know that there are very real and negative effects on kids and you are dealing with feeling that you are responsible for that (at least partly), that you do not get to see your daughter each night and will inevitably miss out on special things that you can never get back. In the end, you need to let go of the time that has passed because it is gone and your daydreaming will not bring it back. AND if you are feeling this way, you will waste the time that you have with your daughter mourning the time that you miss (kids are very insightful and your negative feelings, even if rooted in love for her, will color your time together). Instead of being remorseful when you think of the situation, be joyful because your daughter wants you in her life. My teenage daughter will not speak, see, listen to messages, read cards, etc. sent to her by her father. He threw her aside while he worked on his relationship with his much younger mistress and then decided nearly a year later that since he "won her" now, he wanted to "reestablish" a relationship with the daughter. If he had a conscience he would be remorseful for the past, but he is not (it is not to be discussed as he "did what he wanted and felt like doing", he says) and so he will have a lifetime to deal with the consequences of what he has done. Unfortunately, so will my daughter but your won't if you make sure that you are a dad to her now. Take care.

RE: Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

singergirl1125 — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 03:18:08 GMT

OronD is right about the ups and down i am a teenager myself and when i was age 13 to 15 i was constantly fighting with my parents daily we had a horrible relationship but now for some reason this year me and my mom have such a good relationship and me and my dad are very close now, so age does have a big factor

RE: Remarried dad seeking insight on the guilt of missing my child

sortori — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 00:59:29 GMT

don't be so hard on your self just love your daughter and keep doing thinks right was done its done. but a good dad its hart to find remember the this made you a better men husband and dad that could not had happened with out this lesson people always think what if but in reality if you would had stay toguether you will still have a problem and you would not had learn a lesson.