Trust

angel_kisses0305 — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 23:20:00 GMT

I dont think i've ever been an insecure person or a jealous person or a controlling person...ever. THINK is the key word. I guess i've never been with another guy where i lacked so much trust until now.

Me an him have been together a year and a half HE was absolutely crazily smitten by me and over time i started to feel the same way. He was PERFECT. maybe that was my problem...

3 months into the relationship i began to hear the wonderful small town rumors about him supposedly being a well...in lamens terms. PIG... every girlfriend HE claims cheated on him. those same girlfriends claim he was the cheater... but he would NEVER do that to me and this was "US" we had the world figured out together. everything in common and the same beliefs in philosophy, life....

after having these things driven into my head i started to feel those doubts, he had a female friend to which he admitted at one time being "IN LOVE" with...this coming from the guy who says IN LOVE is a drug.. this female friend did not share the same feelings but...it bothered me when she would invite him over for drinx without me so i confronted him. we fought and fought and fought for months about her until finally he cut all ties with her to savage our relationship... okay Fine. another year passed and things were back to somewhat normal with the lust passion and "IN LovE" feeling slowly dwindling we started to get a little more comfortable with eachother i moved in. la di da... then more problems... a girl he works with he brings HER HOME, not physically but he talks about her day after day. i quesion him and he gets defensive telling me my insecurities are getting in the way again. so i shut up... then one day he breaks up with me for reasons in NO way involved in me not trusting him but because of family issues that i was having... then 2 days later after i'm struggling to find a place to live a car to drive and EVERYTHING i asked him how he could just end it and asked if there was another woman... he said no. thats when i found the emails. i was home sick that day from exhasution i had just gotten out of the hospital being pumped with fluids after losing 10 lbs in the past week and half. lets just say endless days of crying and fighting with myself and him got the best of me. so i found the emails YES i had his password YES i was snooping but i found them nonetheless. sexual perverse pornographic emails between him and the girl he works with the ONE i confronted him about 2 months prior to breaking up. emails that had me grief stricken shaking and crying on my kitchen floor as i begged for some explanation but there was none i had solid proof... i confronted him i confronted her they BOTH denied the emails were of any solid intenton. "Just goofing around"

then a week later he comes back to me saying he loves me he wants things to work. i give him a chance but with the emails still in the back of my mind. a week later...SHE starts making snooty remarks about my bf being in her office at work...head games...i suppose he denied it but he want tell her to back off. a week of up and downward spirals and finally after my stress level had done enough to break my sanity...i attempted suicide... something that i would've never done 2 years ago... it wasnt me... my sister told him to leave me alone and everyone who cared came to my rescue.. 1ccdaylater as i was driving to the local grocery store which passes his house i glanced over to see HER car parked in his driveway...enuf to make my heart beat out of my chest.. i let him go...

2 weeks later..... AGAIN he came back. he apologized promised nothing ever happened with this other woman, said he cut all contact with her other then work related purposes... i accepted and lost alot of support from family and friends along the way, now he said its up to me to get rid of my insecuritites, to learn to trust him again.... we are in counseling thats the first step....but the next step is ME... it consumes me this OTHER woman consumes me, i scavage through his phone to reasure myself he's not talking to her...until most recently he locked his phone. now its up to me to somehow forget... i'm tired but i love him, part of me says the only way to get over it is to get over him and move on... but i love him. maybe i'm still searching for what we WERE maybe im just afraid to love anyone else in fear of going through the same pain. i dont know but i need advice. i know i'm beautiful i know i can have other guys but i dont want them...i want him. :) excuse the typos .....

RE: Trust

DB Lady — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 06:03:05 GMT

Hi,

I read your question carefully. I don't think you'll like what I'll say here. This man is not the right one for you. He does not seem trustworthy and honest. He is making your life so miserable to the extent of thinking to commit suicide. This was not a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship brings the good in people.

Please move on. You deserve a trustworthy, mature and honest man who will love you and care for you only.

Take care.

RE: Trust

Erasmus — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 06:52:05 GMT

Here you go, plain and simple. No just about him but people in general. He will never be faithful to any woman on the face of the planet. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And tack that on to he lies? Yeah.

Here is some advice for you in your life. People never change. They get better, but they never change. Ever. Take a crackhead. Clean him up, get him off drugs, put him in a nice suit, and what do you have? A well dressed crack head. The reason I am saying this is because the mentality will always be there. He might seem different, but didn't he seem "great" to his other ex's? Leave him now so you can find closure on this and not keep putting yourself through this with him.

I talk to a lot of women who go through this exact same thing. And, that is, "I love my boy friend/ fiancee/ husband, but he hits, cheats, lies etc. AND I don't want him to leave me because he says he loves me." If I walked up to you and hit you in the face one day, would you just sit there and take it? What if I walked up to you the next day and hit you in the face? And the next. And the next. Would you just stand there letting me punch you over and over or finally get fed up with it at some point in time and do something to stop it? Like maybe telling me not to hit you in the face? (Trying to make you smile while making a point. Sorry.) What I am getting at is this. At what point, in the misery he is putting you through, are you going to take a look at yourself and realize he has made you a person you said you would never become. At what point did you fail to realize that you are letting him destroy someone that never would have listened to him 3 years ago. If he hit you would you stay? What if he kept hitting you? Would you make excuses for him then? I know this is a difficult decision and choice for you to make. The heart wants what the heart wants. And, you can't control your emotions. By the way, all of this is coming from a guy who remains loyal and faithful to his g/f. There is a reason I am involved in a relationship with her. Why would I want anyone else? Apparently, he does want someone else. Maybe things went bad between him and her and now he is trying to come back to you because he doesn't want to be alone. Pack his stuff, put it by the door, change the locks, and tell him to grab his stuff and leave. If this will be difficult for you then maybe you should have a brother or a male friend you trust to be there so that he won't try anything.

Let's go at this from a different angle shall we? Say, (hypothetically, of course) you and I were in a relationship. We have been together for 10 years. During this relationship I constantly lied, hit you every day, yell at you for no reason, and sleep with all your friends and all my female friends and co-workers. And, everyday I tell you that I don't do those things and I say how much I love you and blah blah blah. Can you honestly tell me, right now, that you would stay with me after all that? You will probably say no. So, if that is the case, why are you with a guy that treats you like s**t? You might love him. But, his actions screamthat he doesn't love you. Just skimmed over that last part? Let me try again.

He doesn't love you

RE: Trust

angel_kisses0305 — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:44:22 GMT

thank you i think deep down i know he doesnt love me but i'm holding onto what was...

so no one thinks the counseling will help even when HE'S the one who intitiated the couseling?

i want nothing more then to be happy again

oh and its nice to know there are guys out there who are faithful...to be honest this is the first guy who ever did this to me and well b4 him.... i never thought this would happen to me.

RE: Trust

Erasmus — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 18:45:11 GMT

no one ever thinks that it will happen to them. all counseling does it help you realize what the problems are by letting you figure them out. if he is the problem then why keep the problem in your life? get better ok?

RE: Trust

Skitch — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 15:33:04 GMT

Love should never be that difficult or painful, Sweetie. He has hurt you over and over again. He doesn't love you and never will. He loves the fact that you love him. He will always return to that love after he is done with another woman. You are a great person. You deserve better. He deserves a good kick in the nads. Say goodbye, and in time, once you are free of all the muck, you will breathe easier, feel better and appreciate your self-worth more. Love shouldn't make you want to hurt yourself . . . . . . . . it should make you soar and feel strong, and feel relaxed, and feel confident. Love . . . real love . . . is out there waiting for you to lose the loser and find your soulmate.

RE: Trust

DB Lady — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 15:52:25 GMT

Hi Angel-kisses, 2 thumbs up to my friend Skitch. Just get out of his life, his getting a counseling is just a way for you to stick around longer. Don't be gullible. Start a new life without him. This will get better in time. You deserve a loving and caring man.

RE: Trust

Equus — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 16:33:04 GMT

Hi Angel_kisses0305's , I agree with the above . This man doesn't love you, if he did he would not continue to hurt you with his unacceptable behavior . Choices we make in our lives come with consequences . It is time for him to take responsibility for his actions and suffer his own consequences . I personally would kick his sorry butt to the curb . There's a good man out there for you who will be more than happy to fill his shoes and your heart with the love and respect you deserve . Go find him , you will be much happier .

RE: Trust

angel_kisses0305 — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:02:44 GMT

so we are still together.....but i started individual counseling for myself and since i've been feeling 10x's better. yes the insecurities are still there a little bit but i'm learning to deal with them on my own terms. i stopped caring i stopped being at his every beck and call i stopped living for him and instead living for myself. I started talking to other guys again and even encouraged some innocent flirting. i would never cheat i dont believe in it and i dont have the will power nor conscience to do it but i'm living for ME. he calls when its convient for him and i dont always answer. I decided for the first time in 2 years to let go of my own desire to please him and please myself. I stopped planning for our future together instead i'm planning for my future with my beautiful daughter. As of right now i dont plan on cutting all ties with him completely i think i'm just learning to accept things the way they are and well if he cheats his loss his problem i still have my life :) its not worth dwelling on anymore. If me focusing on me and me alone leads me into a different path opposite of him then so be it but i'm no longer trying for the sake of him or us. I'm still in love with the man who swept me off of my feet 2 years ago but if he never comes back i'm willing to accept that. I used to believe in fairytales now i only believe in what "is" reality that life can turn its nasty little blades on you and leave you grief stricken... fairy tales are fun when your a kid and you have your parents to wipe away your tears but this is NOW time for me to grow up with new lessons to feed my drive for a better life with or without.....HIM. thanks for all the great advice everyone!! :)

RE: Trust

DB Lady — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:19:51 GMT

Angel_kisses,

I wish you the best of luck.