Ultimatums????

shamom — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:26:48 GMT

Ok ...so my life with my mom and family has been turbulent to say the least with periods of not speaking etc. My childhood was quite shitty, my parents were not good at parenting and many mistakes were made. I moved out at 14 and in with my now husband. We have made it 15 years, with our own many ups and downs. As I better myself I want to try and forgive and let go of negativity in my life. I will say forgiving my parents for things that have happened is very hard and conflicting to me, but I think that holding the anger is harder than letting it go. My parents will never apologise and have not changed all that much, when we are around them once every 4 years I notice they still cause me some hurt, but I still want to let it go. I figured if I expect nothing I won't get hurt or disappointed. I will see them when and if I do and that's it. Now I do have children who are 10 and 9. My parents have invited us up for a week or so. My husband will not go and is saying that I can take the kids and go but he will never accept or forgive them, and doesn't agree I should let it go, he also doesn't agree that they should never have to apologise. They have done some pretty horrible things in the past ie accusing him of hurting our daughter and almost having our kids taken away to make me leave him. He can't forgive this. He says now after 15 years that he cant handle this with them anymore. He is saying if I decide I want a relationship with them we need to re think our relationship. What the heck do I do. I can't give a real good reason to have my family except they are my family and I need family around when we can since my kids have no other grandparents or anything else here. It frusterates me to have an ultimatum, and sometimes things arent the best with my husband. If I get rid of my family and then my marriage breaks down anyway then where am I.

RE: Ultimatums????

Deb — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 02:27:22 GMT

iT IS NOT FAIR THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS PRACTICALLY FORCING YOU TO MAKE A CHOICE.I'M 52 AND BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS WITH MY FAMILY ,I FEEL YOU CAN NEVER TRULY BE HAPPY IF YOU CANNOT FORGIVE IN YOUR HEART, IT CAN EAT AWAY AT YOU AND THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AN EMPTY SPACE.IT TAKES A LOT OF COURAGE TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO HAS HURT YOU, ESPECIALLY YOUR PARENTS .YOUR CHILDREN WILL LIVE BY YOUR EXAMPLE.TO FORGIVE IS TO BE FORGIVEN .TRUST IN YOUR HEART AND GOD FOR YOU ANSWER..DEB GOOD LUCK

RE: Ultimatums????

Colo Bob — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:33:32 GMT

Shamom, First of all I agree you need to measure what it will do to your present relationship. Congratulations on keeping the marriage going for 15 years. I think asking for a week is expecting way too much for the first step. What about a meeting in a public place (park with picnic or lunch at a nice place) for an hour or so. Baby steps are much better. If it goes well and both you and your parents want to keep it going, do it again a week or so later. Maybe go to a zoo or ball game or something where you two can move around and there isn't the confinement of their house. That may be too close for eather of you, especially your kids who don't have any relationship with their parents. By involving some kind of action it will let the kids get into some kind of rapport with them. As far as the husband, you need to talk to him. Tell him how important it is to you that you need to see if there's anything there. You need his support to help you do that. If you can't convince him or you don't have a strong enough arguement, maybe it's a bad idea for you to do it. He will have to make the final decision. He's about 35 now he needs to bend a little for you. It's not about him, it's about you. They aren't his parents, their yours. He can hate them forever, but he shouldn't take it out on you. If he sees that it's working for you maybe his heart will be softened.

RE: Ultimatums????

jkgrandma — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:28:48 GMT

By attempting to force you to choose, your husband is doing the same thing to you that your parents did to him - and isn't that what made him mad in the first place?

He doesn't have to like them or forgive them, but it's not about them - it's about loving and supporting you and the children you have together.

Your husband needs to knock it off and keep his hostility to himself. You should go ahead and take baby steps (as suggested already) to introduce your parents and children so as to build a grandparenting relationship between them.

Family does matter and the fact that you are being the bigger person and attempting to forgive and put the past where it belongs is something your husband should admire and encourage.

Take it small, take it slow and good luck to all of you.

RE: Ultimatums????

hi Amanda Mandy — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 02:05:28 GMT

I would to work things out with my husband first and tell him that even though my parents was very mean at one time ,you need your parents in your life and for the kids. Talk with your parents together and come to a understanding about how they teated you and your husband. try to get along, you need your family. Try to forgive them and be happy . There is so much families not speaking over crazy things, Just forgive and get along the best you can , Hope things goes well.

RE: Ultimatums????

Angelina — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 16:13:11 GMT

Your husband should not place such an ultimatum in front of you. That is not fair. He is supposed to be there for you and your children in a supportive spirit. It is OK if he does not want to go, but he should not restrict you from seeing what is your own blood, if you want to, even if they have mistreated you in the past. Your parents on the other hand should not interfere with your marriage. Since you don't mention all the bad things said and done by the family or your husband it is quite hard to determine what you should do. At the end you just have to follow your heart and do what is best for you and your children.

Good luck!

RE: Ultimatums????

marie — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:21:45 GMT

you marry someone like your father. the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. these proverbs are fact more than fiction. are your children experiencing the same upbringing as you. it appears so. unhappy marriage, turmoil, isolation and ultimatums. not real healthy. i would focus on a happy nurturing enviornment for them before they leave. why would you subject them to seeing the abuse that your parents give you. its bad enough that they see their parents threatening each other with ultimatums. where are your inlaws your siblings your friends? you need to learn emotional independence so that you can teach your children. instead of a weekend with your parents take your children camping and give them and you some happy memories.unlike the ones you had growing up. i'm sure this would do you a world of good.

RE: Ultimatums????

Kerri — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 17:10:12 GMT

I'm with marie on this one. Just because they are blood, doen not mean you need to tolerate them.

Your parents sound vengeful and spiteful. You even said they still say hurtful things to you. They lie about your husband, and almost got your kids taken away from you. I believe they are just trying to get in close to your family so as to wreak havoc on it.

As long as your children are in a loving and caring environment, no one else is needed. Good friends and other relations are just fine.

Get them out socializing with other adults. Your friends will do just fine.

Just my 2 cents.

RE: Ultimatums????

Torn in between — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:02:24 GMT

I completely understand how you feel, because I myself am going through a similar situation. I love my husband and have always been family oriented. My husband also asked me choose between my family or him, I asked myself the same question what happens when my family disowns me and then my marriage fails, what would I do then. But you know, I am not afraid to lose either because I have 3 children which need me and I know that I have to move forward for them. Be strong for them and like I said if your husband and family really love you they will stick by you no matter what you do. Best of luck to you and wish you all the happiness you deserve.

RE: Ultimatums????

geegee — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:30:08 GMT

Sometimes, parents who have been lousy parents make great grandparents. Don't ask me why..it is a strange phenomenon. It is your family and I think you should do what you feel is best..just one word of caution..don't do it out of guilt.

RE: Ultimatums????

~ Faith — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 01:46:46 GMT

This is a hard one you know. It sounds like your ready to forgive your parents for the past. This is a good thing. I would pray for devine intervention. Ask to be guided through prayer. Your husband if he is a caring man will do the same with you. If he is giving you the idea if you turn to your parents the relationship won't last, this is some what a childish behavoir in my eyes. Are you seeking them because you want them in your life or the childrens life or both? Prayer is awesome. Give it to our Lord and await an answer...

RE: Ultimatums????

fbamc1 — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:09:00 GMT

FOOD FOR THOUGHT no matter what anyone says these are your parents do what you need to do . However some say that god forgives ,so no matter what your religion is do not take a view of superiority and try to be god . The only thing that you can do is try to forget , however sleep with one eye open. The truest reality of man is he never really changes, be surprised when they try and accept when they do not.

RE: Ultimatums????

Letesha — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 21:56:33 GMT

I've walked in your shoes but sometimes its not about having people in your life in the physical since they need to be there supportive and encouraging. I traced the source of my misery( at one time) to just being around people that I like to call spirit crushers, I can understand your husbands side of it almost having his children taken away from you guys is scary. I personally had to chose my husband because my family gave me an ultimatium. I would tell you to choose the person that brings you the most peace, support and joy. I have cried all night about my mother not speaking to me but when I got past it I realized that this is my life and I have to live it the way I want to and so do you. It is hard but do what you can to be happy in life forgive your parents first for your self, it doesn't mean you have to keep allowing them to abuse you but release the strain on you so you can give that to your family. If you and your husband are happy and at peace I would choose him you be there for your family but you distance yourself if they are making you too miserable. good luck to you!

RE: Ultimatums????

Comfy Mommy — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 22:04:17 GMT

I am Older and have lived a very similar life.It is okay to forgive,but you do not have to give in.There is a difference. You may never hear a sorry from your family ( I never did ).I am now a few states away and it makes it easier, far to travel.I wish you the best with this.If you are bringing up your children right,that is what matters,exposing them to something that is not mentally healthy (if that is the case ) is no good.Think it through. I worry at my age if my husband and I break up too,but my family wouldn't be there for me then either.I found that out very recently.Sad but true.