I should just be happy, not envious!

Branavian — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 08:12:32 GMT

I'm a 38 year old gay male who is attractive, jovial and intelligent. I am a father and very proud of my son whom I have spent a great deal of effort to ensure doesn't have to experience the same hardships that i had endured. My own father commited suicide when i was just six and having grown up without a father, I wanted to give my son the involved and active father that i was denied.

My son's mother is a friend of mine and we have never been involved with each other, she and my son's biological father seperated before my son was born. She and I decided to raise him together as friends, which worked out very well for the first ten years of his life. Just within the last 6 years have we lived apart, but having known only me as his father, I have remained an active part of his life. He is 16 now and I am proud to say that our relationship has only grown stronger over the years. We are like best friends, he tells me everything. Even if he knows i'll get upset, he will still tell me what is going on with his life. We spend an average of 2 hours a day on the phone and he'll stay with me almost every weekend.

Lately, like most 16 year old boys, he has been extremely interested in the opposite sex. He tells me who has his interest and asks me to read his interactions with his interests on his facebook or myspace. I'll read his chats and tell him what I think, i'll critique how responsive he is and so forth. The last few months he was interested in someone who I just felt was not as interested in him as he was in her, and after telling him that she didn't seem too interesting he moved on. Now he has an interest in a girl who is unlike the others so far and like him they have alot of similliar interests. I like her and hope they both hit it off.

The problem I'm having is that I can't help but feel envious of him and it makes me feel awful. I was never in the closet and although I have always been proud of who I am, lately I can't help feel as though I have been cheated from experiencing the same things I am blessed to witness my son experience. I set out to provide him the chance to experience everything that I was not able to, but now that he is, I'm feeling for the first time in my life, unhappy about who I am. Wishing that I could experience a relationship with someone that I could marry and grow old with, yet having been alone for so many years, I can't help but feel that my life will never be complete in that way. Knowing that my son will be a wonderful husdband to someone someday and the just witnessing how beautiful his life is and what a good attitude he has, should make me beside myself with happiness, and I am, but I hate myself for envying him.

I succeeded in providing for him the childhood that will result, I have no doubt, into a happy and fruitful life. Why do I feel so unhappy? I can't stop feeling that I have somehow been denied the special happiness that I am able to see my son begin to experience. I would never want my son to be denied these things as I feel I have been, But why can't I just be happy for him and know that eventually he will be a father and provide me with grandchildren, all of which is a fulfilling life to lead, so why am I being so selfish? Why do I now feel that having been born gay, that I have missed out on so much? Why do I have no hope for something similliar in my life? My son would like for me to have someone just as much as I want the best for him. Yet I can't help but feel, That in this area I'm a complete failure.

RE: I should just be happy, not envious!

jon — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 10:28:07 GMT

does not sound like you are a failure at all sounds as if you succeded in what most parents wish they could succede in but could not you dont hear the extreme positive conection between a father and son like this everyday ,sounds as if you are suporting him which is great you may have missed out on these things when you were younger but it sounds as if it made you a much better parent and gave you more tools than most dads and moms, will ever have just keep up the good work ,suport him and look at your self as a great dad that is enveed by many , GREAT JOB

RE: I should just be happy, not envious!

jkgrandma — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:36:28 GMT

You sound very familiar to me. Are you (or were you) a Yedda member under another name also? I would list it here, but I won't on the chance that you have some private reason for not doing so.

It is perfectly acceptable for you to have feelings of loss or regret, even jealousy.

As we age, we look at our children and realize that they have the chance to experience more than we ourselves will ever have, just by virtue of the fact that they are beginning the journey while ours is half over.

Mortality's a bitch - and regrets stare us in the face on a daily basis.

If you feel that you are having difficulty handling the emotions you are feeling, then by all means, seek counseling.

Otherwise, do your best to accept yourself and your life situation for what it is. Change the things you can (like your attitude) and let the rest fall by the wayside.

Meanwhile, there is nothing stopping you from finding someone with whom you can share your life. There are even ways you can experience fatherhood and long-term relationships (many gay men do), but sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is not the way to get them.

Take a page from 'Sweet Charity' regarding your life:

"Get up, get out, live it!"

RE: I should just be happy, not envious!

Max — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 17:00:22 GMT

Hi,

You sound like an above average dad, and you are doing everything a father should do...The fact that your son comes to you and shares all of his "personal life" is simply amazing, and a testimony to your love for him.

As far as feeling upset and envious due to his relationships, that can happen to anyone, irrespective if you are homosexual, or heterosexual... I think you are doing what is commonly known as a "life review" and we all do that at one time or another in our lives...Particularly if we find "we are unfulfilled" in one area or another...You should look at all of the positives that you have accomplished in your life, instead of the negatives.

I feel as JK does in her advice to you, there is no reason why you cannot "find someone" and preferably someone in the same circumstances as yourself...You sound like a very giving and caring individual, and someone is out there for you, should you decide to look.

Your life review as of right now, from my perspective, is pretty "high on the list" in terms of success...You have managed to raise a son in this cynical world, who is a 'good kid' and relies on your guidance to help him with his decisions in life...There are a multitude of "straight parents" out there, who cannot say the same...So, from where I sit, you have done a heck of a job, and you should hold your head up, because parenting is one of the toughest jobs that anyone can have, and you have handled it seemingly with ease, and you have a "stellar son" as a result of it.

Good luck with all your endeavors, and God bless you and yours.

RE: I should just be happy, not envious!

abundance — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:25:04 GMT

there is no fear in love. You were part of shaping him so be proud of your handiwork. God is proud of you. The giver is one that is blessed. imagine what it is you are needing and let your heart guide you. what is your heart speaking to you in response of how you are feeling. Follow it and you'll never be lost.

Be grateful of the blessings in your life and you'll realize you could not ask for more.