My father and brother hate each other and I have ...

xmillyx — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 12:01:36 GMT

My father and brother hate each other and I have no idea what to do.

Their relationship was never good, but for the last four or five years it's deteriorated by so much, they don't fight, they just dismiss each other 99% of the time, until something sets my dad off and he just verbally tears him to shreds, they both tell me that their relationship is never going to be good and it's killing me because all I can think about is that my dad dies never having gained a connection with his son.

Mymum's great, she's amicable with both of them but her relationship with my dad isn't particularly amazing either, they fight a lot and I'm so worried it's going to escalate. Right now my brother's 19 and at university for most of the year, within three years he'll be away from the house completely and I doubt if he'll visit my parents, I just get worried we're never going to have a strong bond and without children my parents relationship is going to fall apart, and I think that'll kill my mum.

So is there any way I can persuade my brother and father to try to connect more? I feel like my dad dismisses him so readily because he was never into sport like my dad, doesn't help out that much etc and that those things serve as a barrier against all of my brother's good qualities, my dad's fairly judgemental like that. Help? Please?

I don't know if it's relevant but I'm 17, my brother's 19, my dad's 50 and my mum's 52.

RE: My father and brother hate each other and I have ...

OrbitalBall — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 17:33:15 GMT

I think that you should sit your brother and dad down together and tell them all of what you just said right here. You might express to them the worry this creates for you. If you can sit them down together and try to mediate the situation so that no one person is talking over the other but give each person a chance to explain why they dismiss the other. It sounds like there is hurt behind it all and if that hurt can be expressed in a calm and understanding way then maybe small steps can be made toward bettering the relationship between them. The more time that goes by without communication the harder it will be to mend the situation. If you are uncomfortable sitting them down together then try to speak to your dad on your brothers behalf while also understanding your dads perspective. Try doing the same with your brother by hearing and understanding him but relaying some of what your dad might feel to him at the same time. I hope they can find some middle ground.

RE: My father and brother hate each other and I have ...

Donna aka Maya — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 13:36:16 GMT

Orbital gave you a good answer. I can say that I can relate. I have a brother who was estranged from the family for years and nobody could figure out why. I tried calling him and saying that his father was gettiing old and that he may regret this some day and stuff like that. Actually, I tried a little bit of everything. He started helping my father look for a new truck as this is the sorta thing they have in common and he seems to be spending a little more time coming around.