What is it about me?

Gail — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 17:23:23 GMT

I need help. I have no support - friends, family. At 23 years, everything I thought was stable or that I could count on in my life has evaporated and I feel empty, depressed. My family has survived physical abuse and I have been the one person to stand up for them always. My sister has gotten an education and instead of being our aide from this hell - she is breaking my heart. She says things daily to make me know that I am the last person on her mind, as though I am an ogre, that she owes me nothing, that I can do nothing for her now that she is finished. It is like she goes out of her way to diminish me, hurt me. She slanders my name. She influences my mother to treat me in the same regard and this has come to the fore all at once - it's too much! When she treats me this way, I feel suicidal because I have always been her defence... continue to be her defence - my father always aims to hurt her during his drunken sprees at home. This behavior baffles me and hurts me after everything we have been through and continue to go through...my mother treats me the same way now that my sister has completed her education - I have no one. I have spoken with them over and over again about this... I sound like an emotional wreck and yet they act aloof and so very callous that I begin to cry even more with their reaction. I wonder why? What have I done? I do not deserve it. The pain quadruples when I cry and they pretend not to hear my pain and who should come to my aide to show concern - my father, the abuser - the person I go up acidly against to protect my 'family'. The only logical reprieve I can summon is that I may be my father's biological daughter and that may be the reason now for their abandonment of me. I feel mentally broken. I don't know what to do and every time I look into the future - it doesn't look promising... I have no foundation - no family. I feel betrayed. This abuse has isolated me from friends... I have always been at home to be there for them in case my father should come home in a stupor...What should become of me now - I feel heartbroken... like I can trust no one. Knowing all of this, should my father come home tonight drunk, I'd jump into this violence for people who loathe me... and I live this over and over everyday and I fear it is affecting my mental health. I need your advice. Thank you.

RE: What is it about me?

Joseph — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 18:09:04 GMT

I am not a theripst,but have had simular situtations...Honey the only thing you can do,and you wont like it,is to GET OUT...I know you want to protect your family,but you can't help them unlss they are ready to help themselves and in the mean time you are getting the blunt end of it...It's hard to seperate our selves from those we love,but you will never accomplish any thing by putting you self in jeperty...Find a Crisis sevice in your area,talk to them they will help you to start a better life...

RE: What is it about me?

jada_lynne — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 21:52:41 GMT

Good advice Joseph...gave you two thumbs up. Let me jump one step ahead... Gail, you have so many issues going on and it must seem extremely unfair to you. I can tell you this. It can only get better from here! They will tell you that you can't pick your family, but I'm here to tell you that is not true. These people that are hurting you probably won't stop any time soon. You need to get on your feet and away from them! As you meet people you will see that your new friends become as family. And they will help guide you.

You do deserve better, but only you can make the changes that need to be made. Get yourself into college if you haven't already. There is plenty of money out there and you can do it. Work, go to school, move out and as far away as you can handle financially, and work on getting yourself better.

Try to understand that people love you, but in a dysfunctional way. I suggest you pick up a copy of Co-Dependant No More by Melodie Beattie and read that first! You have to understand that alcoholism has created co-dependence in your entire family. Once you can seperate yourself from all the drama and pain, you can learn to move on. Put one foot in front of the other and march to a different drummer... Best wishes!

RE: What is it about me?

Gail — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 23:40:02 GMT

Thank you both for the advice..Jada u r right I do have a lot of issues right now.

I will try to get away..far away but I don't think I will ever stop thinking about them - I trusted them completely...how can I go out there and ask someone to love me when my own family can reject me after I gave them the best part of me...all of me. I forgive over and over but then they just take advantage to get what they want from me...If I manage to get into some money, I give it to them to help out and then when they have the money they turn back to their old ways...If they do something they think might upset my father, they start behaving like they appreciate me..like a family... so that if the situation calls for it, I can jump to their defence..and then when the tense situation subsides ..bam again it's the same as it was....It's like I can't take a hint and yet still I can't turn my back when they need me.

I have gotten myself into college but I don't know where to find the tuition funds to finish...

RE: What is it about me?

jada_lynne — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 23:51:27 GMT

First...the tuition. Are you employed? If yes, of course it depends on how much money you make. There are grants and loans. Loans do not have to be paid back until you finish school. Grants are free money. Also, most colleges have emergency funds stashed. Get in early each semester and ask for it. Use everything that is negative in your life to your advantage. For example, your father is an alcoholic. Look for grants for that. Also, look for employment in the field of your interest and often you will find funds for higher education there as well. Like NIKE says...just do it! Bartend, wait tables, clean houses on the side, whatever it takes.

Get busy. The more you fill up your time, the closer you get to your goal, and the less time you have to think about all the issues in your life. I always say... People either add something to my life, or they take from it. The takers ? They don't get much space or time with me. It is not wrong to say to someone, I love you very much and when you get your sh_t together, give me a call. You will be amazed at how fast the drama will move out of your life, leaving you the time and energy to focus on more positive things.

RE: What is it about me?

Gail — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:44:41 GMT

I know that I need to learn to stand on my two feet and that college is a means to an end...but that is long-term...how do I cope short term...day in and day out?

I am unemployed and subject to their every emotional whim. If I stand up for myself against the treatment by my mother and sister, I am treated like the black sheep, they do not speak to me, I am isolated until I give in from solitude and maintain the status quo... ignoring my feelings. If I try to talk to my father, he uses it as a free pass to attack them...I am faced with the scenario of neglecting my emotional needs, 'existing' as 'Cinderella' to my mother and sister.. under their rule... enduring their emotional abuse as opposed to witnessing their physical abuse... What do I do?

RE: What is it about me?

Gail — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:44:08 GMT

Any advice on how to endure this?

RE: What is it about me?

Alan Michael — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 05:14:58 GMT

get a job. Move out. Find a cheap apartment or room to rent asap. Why torture yourself just because you share DNA with them?