Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

spider — Fri, 22 May 2009 22:43:59 GMT

Hello all,

I am wondering if anyone can give me some advice.

I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years.

During the 1st 18 months he cheated on me a few times and really hurt me but i forgave him after he declared his undying love for me and said it would never happen again.

The relationship has always been volitile.

After the 1st 18 months, he seemed to be sticking to his word and showed more signs of 'settling down' with me but every day there was something weather it be little lies that are pointless or he has to rush off to work. He has a lot of money and has made it on his own but this involves working most of the time and 7 days a week.

Everytime I think he is ready to committ to me, something crops up.

It is emotional abuse and i am seeing a counsellor about it.

Now he is on the verge of going bankrupt and has told no one but me. He is so depressed that he is saying things to purposely make me think that he is going to kill himself. I can quite easily see him doing it.

He drinks too much (always has) and its now quite clear that the problem lies with him and not me. He always made me think it was me.

I don't know what to do. I have told him I want to help and I have given all the best advice I can but I don't know what I can do. He takes it out on me and won't open up about anything (i only know the outskirts of the story).

I can't take anymore. The emotional abuse has taken its tole and now this.

Pls help??

Thanks x

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Dawg — Fri, 22 May 2009 23:13:42 GMT

Lying?

Emotional Abuse?

Drinks too much?

Get out of it as fast as you can.

Continue with your meetings with the counselors and listen to them.

Dig this... The Desiderata

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Jim — Fri, 22 May 2009 23:33:39 GMT

Leave, it only gets worse from here

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

weffy — Fri, 22 May 2009 23:37:19 GMT

Abuse starts emotionally then it will lead to physicial abuse. get out now while you still can!!!!

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

savchivKyle! — Fri, 22 May 2009 23:51:55 GMT

hey man, I don't know you or your partner personally so im not sure how much advice i can give. I would say you should leave him, let him understand he's hit rock bottom, then he'll realize that he misses you.

~sck!

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Buford b — Fri, 22 May 2009 23:57:31 GMT

I really think it's HIM that needs the therapy. Seriously. It's good that you have found on outlet with counciling for your own mental state of mind. Did it occur to you that big huge red flags should have been waving in front of you during the 1st 18 months after you rather casually mentioned him "cheating a few times?" Of course it hurt you! And of course he will confess his undying love for you and he "says" he'll never do it again (after he was caught). I see a high roller. I see a player. Do you have any sort of a gut feeling about this? I think you do. The first 18 months should have given you a preview of "whats in store". We won't even talk about the rest of your question. That alone should have shown you the caliber of boy you are hooked up with. Blinded by love is a strange ailment to have and I think you may be showing some signs of this. How much crap will you swallow from this man? He may be a serial cheater. Its part of his M.O. This man is the source of your agony. This man has driven you to seek professional help, dear. How does that make you feel? Suggest that he go with you next time. Stay focused on his reaction to this. That should tell you something. Its sounds like he's got more secrets than Liz Taylor. Please write back.

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Pooch — Sat, 23 May 2009 01:03:10 GMT

#1 - cheated on you. You should have gotten rid of him then... they don't change. He is emotionally controlling you. Your counselor should have seen this and advised you properly early. Ditch the dumbass. He is the one that needs the counselling. 5 years...get on with your life without him, unless he is willing to go to a DIFFERENT counselor with you.

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Tippy — Sat, 23 May 2009 04:50:47 GMT

Spider,

If he is talking about killing himself, it is time to get out and fast. If you have been up on the news lately, most people who comtemplate suicide and actually carries it out, don't want to go alone, they are taking as many people with them as they can.

He needs professional help. If he refuse to get the help that he needs, let the wind hit you in the back and run as fast as you can.

Be Blessed

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

spider — Sat, 23 May 2009 18:47:42 GMT

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it.

Yes I do have a gut feeling but can't seem to leave him!! I know how weak that makes me sound. He always finds a mind game to get me back and I continually get sucked in by this. All my friends say I should leave him. I have 2 young children too who can see what is happening as much as I am trying to protect them they still see mum crying most days about it. I just don't know how to get out. When I think of leaving him I get really scared and unsure of my future. Oh I don't know!!!!

Thank you all so much again x

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Buford b — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:07:51 GMT

A little more info always helps, thanks. Your kids are in the picture. You mentioned his financial situation. He seems like the type that would be able to get back on his feet. You are in an established relationship and its a lot easier and more secure to stay there and turn a blind eye to the bad parts. Right? To jump out and face the unknown is indeed a scary thought. You have the little ones to think of. Regardless of what we think, only you know the private times with him and the good times. Sounds like there is a mixture of good and bad with him. I understand what you write. You have 5 yrs into this. Hard place to be. If he won't open up and talk, then you are fighting this alone. Now for the real part. Is this a financial hold he has on you? Can you not make it with 2 kids on your own? If money is not a problem , I would consider leaving. He seems very closed with high walls built around him. If you could get away and stay away, your eyes would be opened fully. They are blind at the moment and have been for 5 yrs. One day, you will look back on this and see for yourself just how destructive this man was. Its impossible to see while you are with him. I keep repeating that but its true. It happened to me. Not until I was away from this destructive person did I realize what a mess my life was. All I could think about was how to figure it out and make it work, all the while turning deaf ears and blind eyes to what was really happening. And that's what you're doing.

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Dawg — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:27:58 GMT

Bb has given some really good advice.

Here are some links that may help too.

Abusive Relationships
The first step in getting out of an abusive relationship is to realize that you ... but often feel afraid, it's time to get out of the relationship — fast. ...
kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html - 24k

Leaving an abusive relationship
Here is a plan for women to follow in leaving an abusive relationship. ... of your belongings as you can since this may be your only chance to get them out. ...
www.essortment.com/all/leavinganabusi_rjjh.htm - 15k

Abusive Relationship - How to End It
How to end an abusive relationship by Patty Fleener MSW. ... We need to get out of denial and accept the fact that this is truly an obstacle. ...
www.mental-health-today.com/ptsd/art1.htm - 26k

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

spider — Sat, 23 May 2009 21:27:18 GMT

I am totally grateful to you for how caring everyone is being. You didn't need to make time to answer my questions but you have and i am truly grateful. Thank you. I think i am realising now. In reply to your question about financial security etc....and this is the part you won't be able to understand....we don't even live together!!! I have my own house my own car and my own money. My kids aren't his! I am not dependant on him for anything and i don't understand why i stay!! He has a massive hold over me. I can understand what you mean when you say that i will look back on this time and see it for what it really is. I'm a strong individual and a good friend and if any one of my friends was going through this i would tell them to get out! I feel sorry for him and want to help him but he is soooo controlling and everything is on his terms. I hate the thought of him meeting someone else and moving on and so i stay with him!!!!

Aaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!!!! I wish I could delete him from my brain!!!!

Bb, you say you went through the same?? How did you get out (if you don't mind me asking). I know you all probably thinking i'm totally pathetic as we have no ties and i still can't leave!!!

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

spider — Sat, 23 May 2009 21:30:03 GMT

Thank you for your help.....the message to Bb was for you too.....and thank you so much for taking the time to tell me of these websites.....i am going to check them out now :-)

Thank you x

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Dawg — Sat, 23 May 2009 21:43:03 GMT

the message to Bb was for you too...

I know that silly..lol I was commenting on how Bb actually took the time to address your issue on a more personal level. Bb's comment shows that there ARE people out there that care about you.

Don't forget that ok?

You aren't alone.

As for me?

I'm just good at looking stuff up. lol

But I care too.

You are going to be just fine.

You don't need anyone telling you otherwise.

You watching Bb?

Tell her...

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

spider — Sat, 23 May 2009 21:48:21 GMT

Thank you. Sometimes it feels like i am alone but i know that in reality i have a great family and friends and people on here too that don't even know me!!.....i am touched! Seriously, thank you x

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Dawg — Sun, 24 May 2009 00:03:45 GMT

Sometimes it feels like i am alone

Hey, I know that this is just a computer screen...

But there are MANY people that are feeling your pain...

You will be fine, as long as you get away from people that mean you harm.

There are LOTS of guys out there that will Love you for YOU.

It took me till I was 35 to find that certain someone that really and truly loved me just for who I am.

It may take you a long time to find that certain someone, but don't settle for anything less.

Never forget your number, and never forget it is #1.

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Buford b — Sun, 24 May 2009 00:35:40 GMT

Hey, you're not pathetic. Love makes fools of us all. You are in love with him in a huge way. You may be the jealous type. You are willing to endure whatever he puts in your path just to be with him. You have a major attraction to him and he just "does it" for you. Am I on target here? The thought of him with another woman makes you insane. You love being with him but you walk around all the time with a bad feeling in your chest. A feeling that all is not right here....Now me. Only the facts are different when you compare mine and yours. The end result and pain are the same. In a nutshell, she did not want the same things I wanted. We lived apart. Separate. No kids together. It lasted 4 yrs. I suspected infidelity but never actually caught her. It never was right. I could not get rid of the nasty feeling I had about the way she treated me. I suffered through this for most of the 4 yrs until I got sick and tired of feeling this way. I spoke with friends and they all told me the same thing. "You are nuts for staying with her! I would have been gone a long time ago..." and so on. I finally got the courage to call her and lay it on the line about how I felt. (I felt that I deserved much better out of life). I was so sick of being miserable. I told her that this whole relationship was a joke.... and that while we had some good times, I think we both know that its time to call it quits...she agreed. I knew she would. Of course it hurt but the point I'm making to you is that not until I did that did I fully see how bad it really was. You have to let the pain go away slowly. You will curse yourself and him. Anger, resentment, major feelings of loss etc...then you start breathing again. Thats when you see that you've done the right thing. Not a quick thing to get over but it was the only option. A good relationship flows smoothly. They all require work, but not like what you are going through. You are doing all the giving and its one sided. I hope this helps.

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

spider — Sun, 24 May 2009 19:37:40 GMT

You hope this helps?? You have done a lot more than that!! Thank you so so much!! You are so right!! I've fallen for it again today but slowly but surely I am learning to let him go bit by bit. My kids are upstairs in bed and i only have 1 worry!!!!.........him!!! How sad is that? And I actually don't need that worry on my shoulders anymore!! What you Bb have gone through with your ex partner seems exactly the same apart from that when I call it a day, he begs for me to stay and this is why i can't leave!! I love him so much although i doin't know why! So when he begs me to stay, I do!!

Thank you again for all your help.

I'm so glad Bb that you managed to get over your ex, it must have been hard and you would have had to be strong. Well done for realising and doing something about it! I know I will get the strength one day as I can't waste anymore of my life!!

Dawg.....thank you too for your kind words.....I will try to remember to put myself 1st ha ha!!

xxx

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Buford b — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:52:07 GMT

It's impossible to leave someone you love when he begs you to stay. No need to explain why you stay with him. It falls under the unexplained mysteries of humanity. Soooo. You may be with him for a while longer. Or longer than that. There is no definition to fall back on. Each situation has its own rules. Either way, I'm sure it has done you some good to get it off your chest. Go to him and enjoy that which he provides. Take care. The day will come in its own time. You'll know when its right. You seem smart. There is no one that I know of that has mastered the human condition. You'll do fine in the long run. We are open 24-7. Write back when you have time. Keep us posted on your progress and thoughts!

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

spider — Sun, 24 May 2009 21:17:34 GMT

Yes it certainly has helped me by getting it all off my chest.......I have decided to leave him. :-) This is gonna be the hardest thing I have ever done but i am going to try so so hard not to give in once he starts his begging etc.........

Yes I will keep you informed......thanks again......take care x x x

RE: Hello all, I am wondering if anyone can give me ...

Buford b — Sun, 24 May 2009 22:04:26 GMT

It seems unnatural to try and end something that seems near and dear. The bad overrides the good. Give it a shot. He may convince you to stay. And you might. But again, stay strong. It will fall on firm ground sooner or later. I don't know him, but I know males and I know his type. And yes, I see your position. By the time a person finds the Yedda site, the problem has usually rotted to a point of no return. No high expectations here. You have a plan of action. Emotions rule the path. Follow your heart.