My wife loves me and someone else.

loveher — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:05:36 GMT

Hi I am desperate for a wise opinion. I have been with my wife who is also my first sex partner, best friend and lover for 16 years. She has been through a lot in her life, has even been raped three times. I love her very much. Last year my businesses started failing, my brother and I joined forces so to speak and he visited often, she did not like that he would not allow her input (which i always considered before, but because of desperation, I let it ride and did not rebuke him) She withdrew into herself and felt neglected. Around this same time last year I went to sleep with a prostitute, I was on Paxil and it was a crazy impluse thing. I did not tell her. I did not enjoy the experience. I knew she was not happy but could not deal with it as I was under pressure myself. She then told me she has fallen in love with her first boyfriend, this killed me inside. A while later she told me it was over as he removed her from Facebook. In the mean time I became attracted to someone I worked with and when I asked her if she felt the same way she said she will not break up a family and that was the end of it. I finally went bankrupt (and she did as we are married COP) last year Sept. Struggled to find work, no joy for a long time, was living in my one of my brothers houses for a while without paying rent and spending quite a lot of time with him. Finally i found a small job in March this year, making just make enough to get by. I thought things were good between me and her, we were talking a lot, we were happy, the sex is even great. Then 3 weeks ago (3 months into my new job) I found sms'es my wife had sent by total accident. I discovered she was "word playing" with sex to a few guys but she never acted on it she says, she says she did it to cover her feelings for this other guy (not me??). When I confronted her she spilled it all out and I told her about the prostitute and me almost falling for someone. She said she was in love with this guy that pilots a private yacht around the world and that he is only in SA for one week a year. She said she wants to see him for one week of every year when he is is SA and she wants to be with at this time. she wants to continue the online relationship. She says she loves me and a this man. She is willing to risk it all (we have three children) and is determined to go ahead with this. Now this other relationship started on Facebook (been going for a few months), she said he has called her three times. But at the moment it is "on a thread" in her words. She says she wants to live without regrets and does not want to be 80 years old and regretting she has not done this. She really like facbook and is on from when she awakes to when she sleeps. I do go out about 4 times a month to play poker with friends. She resents this and feels I should also take her out. I agreed with her and we went out last week, had a lovely evening. We are spending time every day when I come home from work talking for about 1 hour and into the night. I have been up and down with this emotionally - over the last 3 weeks, I get better during the week when I go to work, we sms each other love message and talk online when I am at work. Weekends always get really rough as I get angry/emotional and so does she when we start talking in depth. Today (holiday) I was with her online and she started talking with this guy, I asked her if I can read what she is saying and she did not answer me, i kept asking and she became furious, she even told me today that she is going to kill herself when she is alone!!!! Then about an hour later she calmed down and said she will not kill herself. Sex is also there and it is good. I keep asking her how I am supposed to handle this thing and she says that is for me to work out. I have been very supportive of her over all the years, she is on anti depressants. I love her very much and want to be with her. How can I come to terms with this? Can this really be true as I told her she cannot possibly love him and me. I am so confused. She even said we can go "swinging" as then I could experience sex with other partners and she would enjoy the attention. I said I would like to try this only if she wanted, she said she would enjoy all the attention. This did sound interesting to me. Can she really love me and another man online and one week a year. I don't know how? I said to her that I will be with her through this and that I am prepared to share her (even though its hurts inside) because I know that maybe I could get used to the idea over time or it will end with him and her. I realise that we have lost a lot, we were very well off and she says most times she feels no hope for the future. I am 40 and she is 42. Thank you for taking time to read this, your advise would be so helpfull Do I feel like this because I fear loosing her? How do I continue to be with her with this going on, because i do want to? She says she has already prepared her heart for me to leave her when I tell I I wont? Am I a desperate insane man? I am so worried about our 3 children (aged 14,12 and 9)

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

DB Lady — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:31:34 GMT

Loveher,

It is a very sticky situation. The losers here are your 3 children. I don't think that they should be subjected to this kind of emotional environment. Both of you

have not been true to each other. Think about the STD's that you'll get if you'll have sex with different people?

If you really want to save your marriage, better see a marriage counselor. If both of you still want to enjoy your lives and be with other people for variety, don't waste your hard earned money on a marriage counselor. Just have a divorce and spare your children from witnessing some craziness.

Take care and I want you to realize that the only way to have happiness in marriage is to be faithful to each other and to live a life based on honesty and fidelity.

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

gary999 — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:20:30 GMT

"How do I continue to be with her with this going on, because i do want to?"

There's a very simple answer to this very difficult question and that is you would have to learn to accept her on her terms. This can work, but only with couples who are emotionally secure enough to accept their spouse enjoying sex only with another partner. Unfortunately, you don't qualify because you're insecure and jealous of her other interests, and she, instead of just enjoying the sex with other men, talks about being in love. Since she seems determined to continue this behavior in spite of your feelings, it seems to me as if it just won't work.

I hesitate a little here because you seem inclined to try; "I said to her that I will be with her through this and that I am prepared to share her ..." but you can't do this in your current state of mind.

You are right to be concerned about the kids because they are probably aware of this conflict and kids have a way of making themselves feel responsible for parental problems.

The bottom line here in her own words is; "she says that is for me to work out." She has put the ball squarely in your court. She's not going to change and you must accept her on her terms. That's the best I can do so best of luck to you.

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

loveher — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:36:42 GMT

I HAVE JUST COME TO THESE REALISATIONS

I remembered today, there once was a MAN that worked with HIS WIFE in all he did, she was never far from his heart, no matter the distance between them. He was a good dad and an attentive husband, always striving for something better for the family ( and such a fun guy ) I remember him!!!!!

When he achieved something better, after spending time with her, renovating together, working together, he started loosing focus of what he was striving for. success became the goal, not the tool. So HE evolved into something else, he didn't like it and neither did SHE, he evolved into the "businessman" not the husband and father.

In the meantime while SHE WAS becomING more and more lonely, Feeling alone and often neglected, SHE reached out . But AND this is BIG!!!!

SHE never intended to leave me, SHE HAS invited me to share this experience and adventure with HER :-) For this I thank HER. I am resolved to find the "spark" and the "twinkle" in our eyes again. I can see the light, its small but its there coz SHE never left me. We are still together :-)

I WILL apologize from the bottom of my heart , for obsessing over HER

I want to rebuild myself in her eyes. i Thank her for not leaving me, nor shutting me out.

I have realized that what she wants to do will not take anything away from me nor from her. The pain I feel is caused by the uncertainty, not by the loss, there has been no loss. She has not said she don't love me, on the contrary, she wants me to be a part of her adventure. She has not shut me out. I feel betrayed because I was a foolish guy that thought she would always sit there and happily watch me do my thing. I was so wrong and so naive

Us men are such silly things sometimes!!!!!!!

I am unequivocally and whole-heartedly going to, now and forever, continue to:

<3 be a good friend (best friend hehe)
<3 attending and caring TO HER
<3 be a loving husband and daddy
<3 Love HER
<3 be there with HER on HER adventure

i realize i am so so so lucky to have a lady like HER in This life.

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

gary999 — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:05:03 GMT

Lover, I AM IMPRESSED by your answer. A mere 7 hours ago some idiot said "you can't do this in your current state of mind" and you sure fooled him. If you sincerely mean what you say (and I'm predicting this is not going to be as easy as flipping a switch) I'd say you've got a good chance to succeed. Best wishes and luck to you and the Mrs.

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

Rock — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 06:51:08 GMT

Your wife is acting and reacting as a person suffering from depression. That must be treated first for her to regain normalcy. In addition to medications she should be under care of a good therapist. After that (or in parallel) you should both see a good marriage counselor. Both these actions will do much to improve your relationship and return your marriage where you both want it.

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

gary999 — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 12:04:58 GMT

Rock, I know it's unconventional but it's possible lover realizes he has the woman and the situation he wants. It can, and does work with some couples, but these people are unique in accepting the erotic aspects while rejecting the emotional involvements most relationships entail. Let me say again, I don't recommend this, especially for a couple who's had matital problems but, if lover truly accepts the "for better or worse" vow, he's got a chance to make this work.

"i realize i am so so so lucky to have a lady like HER in This life."

No marriage is 50/50 in spite of what you read because in a successful marriage one partner or the other gives more than they take. Since she loves him and doesn't want to end the marriage, she wants to enjoy a greater variety of sex and has even invited him to participate. OK, this may or may not work, but from my interpertation this is the only alternative lover has (other than separation/divorce) so he's going to give it his all and I respect that decision.

Lover, now that you've made this decision I suggest you negotiate some ground rules; first and foremost you need some sort of activities schedule and this includes her online time. She is a wife and a mother and those are her first responsibilities so her/your sex life should become like (for example my golf and tennis activities) in that I have set times and she never wonders where I am or what I'm doing. So we both work, I play golf and tennis, she has her hair done and has a girlfriend she goes on regular shopping excursions with. We are both agreeable with each others activities and timely notification is always expected when plans change.

There are several other suggestions I have but I'll send this and if you are interested send me a note back. I can tell you are in love with this woman and if she loves you as much as you lover her you have a chance. Sincerely, G999

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

Shima — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 12:50:57 GMT

Your story is so touching and so real . I feel like there are so many homes dealing with this kind of story where the web is making people connect more easily and sometimes not for the right reasons.

I think there are many relationships today that are holding on for the sake of the kids. Sometimes you have to look at your partner deeply then him/her having a one night stand. I guess we as humans will always have the urge to meet with someone new I am assuming you and your partner are having difficulties. I think you need to go to some counseling for the sake of the kids.

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

janissa10 — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 18:47:19 GMT

Marriage counseling would be a good start along with individual counseling for your wife & maybe yourself. You both have a lot of issues to work on, individually and together. Your wife needs to get into counseling for her depression. She is definitely in need of professional help along with the proper medications. I understand you want to make your marriage work but I feel in the process you have lost your dignity & self respect. Bringing other people into your marriage is not a good odea. You are willing to let her have her way in hopes of making things better but are only making a bad situation worse. Your wife is not in love with this man. She doesn't even know him. She is depressed, bored, confused, & desperately seeking attention to boost her self esteem.I believe true love can overcome any obsticle. If both of you want this marriage to work, it will. But both need to put forth the effort to make it work. At the moment, the effort to make it work is one sided and misguided. Try giving her the attention she so desperately needs instead of allowing her to get it from other men. Tell her she's beautiful.. give a compliment every now & then. Get away from the kids from time to time & spend some quality time together just the 2 of you. Break the monotany & boredom and bring the spark back into your marriage.

RE: My wife loves me and someone else.

Dianna Lynn Collins — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:28:44 GMT

well first of all u should not share her for her, i think that this is a fantacy when it comes true it only makes the other person relize that u would share her. her rapes probley have somthing to do with her need to be wanted, just show her true olove attention and be there for her but dont sacrafice ur morals and what true love should be. sorry for the spelling not such a good speller.