I don't know why it didn't work and don't know what to do.

unluckyinlove — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:04:01 GMT

my question is one that has been asked millions of times... what should i do? it seems like a simple question that should have a simple, rational answer... but i don't see how that is possible in this case.

i'll try to keep this as short as possible but being as how confused i am by what has happened, i doubt i will succeed... so please just bare with me.

this isn't just the usual "she is ending it and i don't know why" scenario. there is SO MUCH more to it than that, so that is why i am so lost and distraught over it.

just so you understand us a little more, i've live in a small suburban town all my life. went to small schools. had basically the same group of friends. life was simple and i loved it. in second grade she came to my school. she moved to the town next to mine and she has been in my class from second grade all the way through my senior year in high school. we have always been friends in a way, we never really hung out besides a few rare occasions, but we were friends nonetheless. i knew she had a crush on me back in elementary and middle school but i wasn't even interested in dating back then, they still had cooties. then, in high school our small class of 13 mixed with 80 other kids to make up the freshman class. we weren't as close anymore and i never knew that throughout high school she had continued to like me.

....trying to keep this short, for some reason in the beginning of the summer, after going to a grad party for a friend of mine (she was there too), we had talked some more and she had invited me to her grad party too. i am a pretty quiet kid who never really went out with these particular friends before so it was somewhat surprising for them, and for her that i went. one thing led to another, and i found myself wanting to start hanging out more with her. and she of course wanted to as well. we started seeing each other for a few weeks sparatically, and little did i realize how much these hangouts were like dates. and that the one on one time we had wasn't typical of two plain old friends. after just talking from time to time in school, all of a sudden we were texting around 50 times a day. i found myself always thinking about the next time i could be with her. and when she went away for a week to go on a cruise i found that i had fallen for her. this was the first time i ever felt this way about anyone. it was my senior year summer and i finally found someone who i liked enough to actually have me have the courage to go out on dates, and actually have a lfriend.

she said yes.... of course. we both were deeply in love. we got to spend two months of this past summer together, and it couldn't have been more amazing. with our history, it truly was something real and seemingly perpetual. we NEVER thought we would EVER want to be without each other. i couldn't believe i didn't realize how amazing she was before this summer, after all these years of knowing her. i know i had zero dating experience before this, however i know with all of my heart that we both we in love. what we had was as more real than anything else in the world. we would be upset if we had to spend one day without seeing each other. we texted every night until one of us fell asleep. i never felt so comfortable being with another person in my whole life and i could share anything and everything with her. and her to me. we were perfect.

college came. i left two weeks before her, and it was hard as hell. but we still were close and talked about everything, and we still talked about everything little daily event and detail. we missed each other so much already, even when i would make the drive back a couple times to see her before she left too.

neither of us could see an end to us. we believed with all of our heart that we would easily make it through being seperated at school. that we were not a typical young couple right out of high school. because we weren't.

we then were experiencing a new life, new school, new friends, LOTS of freedom. we were busy as hell, and talking decreased, but that was to be expected. we didn't have the freeness in our schedules like we did during the summer. and i dealt with that, we thought that being apart would only make our feelings stronger for each other and that when we were together again we would be even more in love. and we would be even happier together.

now, it is all about to end. i won't get into the whole situation thats been going on since friday night, but basically she told me that she just doesn't even feel like we are in a relationship anymore and that she doesn't feel the same way she did about me over the summer. she doesn't really know what caused this, and she is stern on the fact that it is not my fault at all (although i feel she is wrong about this). Our friendship is still very important to both of us, I just don’t know how to handle all this. I don’t want to give up on us because I feel like what we had was so real that it can’t be completely over. There must be a part of her that still feels that way I do, and that when we are together we could rediscover that magic we had. But I don’t want to try and “fix” us if that means that it would ruin our friendship. And how can I handle our new relationship as just friends? I know I always want to be close to her no matter what, just not sure on how to get through the initial weeks/months when I will still want to be more than friends. When I am still holding on to a false hope that we can still be together.

RE: I don't know why it didn't work and don't know what to do.

jkgrandma — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:26:07 GMT

It's called life, hon. It is glorious and it is also full of pain.

What happened is that she got out into the world and she grew up a little bit. Her horizons expanded, and so did her feelings. She realizes now that there is an enormous buffet waiting for her and she doesn't want to stand and linger in front of the salad bar.

Okay?

In other words, she's right. It is nothing you did. It is just something that happened and she wants to see where life takes her.

It doesn't mean she's not willing to be friends. It also doesn't mean that you can never end up together. It just means that you need to live your lives to the fullest so that, if it does happen that you end up together, you will both be sure that's where you want to be.

No regrets, no doubts.

Here's an excerpt from the musical Sweet Charity which explains quite succinctly what's happened to your girlfriend:

There's gotta be some life cleaner than this
There's gotta be some good reason to live
And when I find me some kind of life I can live
I'm gonna get up...
I'm gonna get out...
La la la la la la ...
How wow how wow
And when I find me some kind of life I can live
I'm gonna get up...
I'm gonna get up...
I'm gonna get up, get out and live it!

RE: I don't know why it didn't work and don't know what to do.

ErnieRamos — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:33:31 GMT

Its going to hurt, and probably will for a while. All you can do is live life one day at a time. Go out and do new things. Whether it's by yourself or with a friend or two. I would recommend that you meet as many women as possible. You will be amazed at how much you will learn about yourself and about women, which will only help you. It will be hard at first. Just start off with a "Hi" and you will be alright.

RE: I don't know why it didn't work and don't know what to do.

BabsNC — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:37:36 GMT

My dear boy, I feel for you! (Note: The "g" on my keyboard is frozen, so if my words have a missing G, I apologize.) I have a grandson your age, in his first year of college, and I realize how new this all is to you and scary! I know you are deeply hurt, thinking she is "breaking up" with you, but she's not! The distance and stress of heavy studies, activities, new friends, etc. while maintainin a long distance relationship is just too much to handle! You both need to give one another some space. College is much harder than highschool! You need to apply yourself fully to your classes, homework and exams! You are spending WAY TOO MUCH TIME WORRYIN ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP! She cares about you deeply, and I know you do her, but this is even more reason to "DIVE IN" AND STUDY HARDER, make good grades, make new friends, and enjoy college life! It is a once in a lifetime experience. Make it memorable and worthwhile. You are both very young and although there is no doubt you "love one another", you need to date others and just have fun! At Spring Break or in the summer time, you can arrange to spend time together. Then you will know if she has "moved on". With maturity, you will come to realize that there can be many "loves" in your life, but the first love is the most special! But it may not be the most lasting!

Don't dwell on this....my dear; throw yourself into school work, making new friends, and allow yourself to have some fun! You don't have to get serious with a girl if you meet one at a dance spot or party and want to get to know her. Just have fun! Wait till after college, when you have graduated and made your parents proud, to think about love, marriage and kids! Make the most of this opportunity you have for a good education, and everything else will fall into place. You'll see!

If it is God's plan that you end up together, then you will! If not, you will fall in love again. I was reunited 8 years ago (at age 57) with my first love from school; we had both gone in separate directions, him marrying another girl from our highschool, and me going to business college & meeting/marrying a guy from out of town. When he divorced after 39 years, he looked me up; I was divorced also, so we started dating, and it was like the 40+ years were erased. We loved each other from the moment we got back together! Unfortunately, he died in Sept. of lung cancer, but when he died he knew he was loved! So just know, things will work out for you! Don't hesitate to write again for emotional support if you need it! You have many people out in cyberspace who care about you and want to see you succeed and be happy. Now get going.....have some fun, but study...study...study! Good luck!